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This is me.
I am a woman after sharing my experiences and what I have thought about in my life over my lifetime. This blog will be my thoughts, instead of writing them in a journal, I will publish them here. I will be real. I do not sugar coat. I have a faith in God that may […]
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Lost little girl
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Where have you been? Have you found a place to restore? Why have you been gone for so long? The lost little girl came out today She sang outloud for all to hear She lifted her voice from the ashes Her voice to be heard Her eyes to be viewed Her feet set to ground […]
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Today I sing
Today is Sunday I used to sing with others this day Not anymore I sing with others now But in a different way She surrounds me and listens She encourages and smiles I feel her all around me I wish I could feel her hug It would have helped But it is not too late […]
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Remembering
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I remember when my children were little. Two of them have celebrated their birthdays this past week. They are adults now. They don’t run to me and tell me about their day. Those days are long gone. I miss them. I miss the identity of being a mom to them. I miss their energy and […]
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Resiliance
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I am here I have much to say I will start dreaming again I have been through much in my years I know more is to come But this season is calm This season will be different It will be as unique as the leaves Falling from a tree in fall This season is for […]
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Today is a day to listen
Sometimes things are loud Sometimes they are soft Today is a day to listen I hear what I need to hear I hear what is not being said Today is a day to listen Listen to my heart Listen to my soul Today is a day to listen Learning to be still Learning to be […]
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A new step
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The river flows The ideas come The business starts The time will be soon She will live her truth She will find her place That belonging The sense of ownership It’s only her now Her world Her breath Her life She sees things Others do not see She stops and soaks it in Her life […]
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Foreign to this world
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The world seems unfamiliar In the midst of it all There is something not right My world is not your world Your world is not mine Silence comes around me The universe bring forth what it may It shows me the way It brings into my world what is needed Sometimes I do not understand […]
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Ground within
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The soil is ready The mixtures is just right It has been tilled for many moons The strength within it is unmarked Unknown by all except The gardener who tended it What lies within its grains? What is destined to grow? The dirt doesn’t tell a tale It shows through its growth Through its stems […]
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The sway of the trees
Outside today there was a sway The ocean air blew through the trees The trees leaned into it They did not fight it They went with the flow of the earth The flow of the wind The sway of the heart There are many things to capture The heart and the attention But what is […]
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Night of tears
Yesterday was a sad day The night came quickly I could not feel numb Not enough to anyone The thought kept pouring in The repeat button engaged The tears flowed No one is coming No one needs to Alone you stand Alone again The time just keeps going on What will you do with it? […]
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True identity
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The weather is cool The door is open The sage has been burned My life is changing Every step I take Brings me into something new Color on my nails Color on my toes It creates this unique individualism in me Something that was not seen as favorable But the eyes of the judges Are […]
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A tear shed
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I looked back today I saw something that brought Me back to the tears So much time invested So little if anything To show for it all I know I will cry again But fuck if it will be today I am done crying over loss Of what I thought I meant To people whose […]
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Heart love
I gave to so many So many faces of lives I was able to touch The memories flood over me today They trusted me The parents trusted me with their tiny little ones A smile and a heart on my sleeve Very aware that they will forget me Knowing over time they will forget me […]
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Live
A wind blows today The grayness of the sky prevails It shifts and forms what needs to go I sit in my place and feel it The shift, the change The clouds will take it away The butterfly comes gently It’s shadow casts over me Reminding me of what I am Reminding me of what […]
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This day
This day marks the end The end of what was The end of what will be I step forward into this day I step forward with eyes forward I step forward with my eyes looking up Today will be a new day A new life A new way for me Behind is what was Not […]
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Matters
It all doesnt matter It matters to no one All the effort is gone Never to be returned to its owner She lies waiting Waiting for someone, anyone But they won’t come She knows this in her soul It is just her now She is all that matters Love her, lean in to her She […]
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Some times
Today I feel it I feel it deep within my soul The change is coming It has been a long road There has been much unearthed The ways that are coming are new They are not expected but They are welcome A new path A new way A new start What will it show? What […]
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The wind blew today
The wind blew today I heard it whisper behind me I turned to see what way it was going The wind blew today It went where it pleased It was all around The wind blew today It went right through I felt its presence The wind blew today It danced on its next adventure It […]
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Waves
The waves of my life crash They crash like the waves of the ocean Breaking down, building back The water cleansing The water breaking The water regaining its strength The waves will never be the same They have purpose and meaning They have intent and intention The waves crash over They come with such power […]
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Sadness
Sadness is what I feel I long for a day That my head does not hurt I thought it was better But then it wasn’t Why won’t anyone believe me? What happened to her? The hurt has taken her Much less to fight the battle with Today I try and then tray again Seems like […]
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One day
One day my love will come I will be wrapped up in their embrace I will feel like nothing will hurt me One day my love will come They will think of me first I will be on their mind always One day my love will come But it will be different that I thought […]
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Nature
The sun caught me up today The colors of the sky danced in front of my eyes The change, moment by moment Much as life changes To sit and freeze a moment is not living Living requires a new breath A new life brought right through A breath, a glance, the colors Ever changing, ever […]
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There is
There is a great big world out there The bird stands on the edge She stands where she has called home She looks over all that is waiting for her She has prepared for the day She will leap into this new world She learned a lot about life from the comfort of her nest […]
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Hi, I am here for you
Hello there. I am here to take you with me I am here to pick you up and take you away You have been waiting for me I needed time to get it right I needed time to figure it out But now I am here for you I am here to fight for you […]
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One day
One day it will all come together The reasons and the whys will all make sense The hope and gratitude of the journey will make sense The day will come soon The evidence of work will be shown The love of life will be evident One day it will come The way of the newness […]
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Leaves
The gentle wind blows The leaves dance They fall, fall, fall The tree is in a gentle sway They leaves move back and forth The tree is letting go The rain will come and Shower the tree It will remove all that was The tree knows the cycle Each year it grows a little more […]
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Perspective
I am going to be okay I will grow and learn about me Today was a step Tomorrow will be another step Today I stopped and gave myself a gift only for me I spent time reintroducing myself to a part of the earth that makes me whole again It has been awhile the connection […]
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What if?
What if those years were not in vain? What if you think about how you grew How you affected the people placed in your life? How about the fact that you are still here? You lived through one of the hardest things You still have breath in your lungs and a smile on your face […]
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Shift
Today a shift happened I was not expecting it I learned something about me It is about me now It is about what I want and what is in me It was there before and it is coming back out I saw the reactions of people Their anger and bitterness on their face I felt […]
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Never
As I am awake this morning A thought comes through my brain They will never know They will never know how it felt to be unloved They will never know how it felt to be unwanted Just like I will never know what they went through Time to let go of the hands that held […]
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Heart
I housed them for nine months I nurtured them with my very breasts Four beautiful wonderful children They didn’t ask to be here But they were wanted by me Now I am not needed by them. Their cuts, scraps, and scars I know them too well They know none of mine I have to let […]
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Grateful for the journey
The love I have can be found It can be found in the heart In the struggle of what was In the struggle of what will be. I am in the struggle but it is over. There is no longer a push and pull. I will not be pushed. The love I have for me […]
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Not looking back
It has been shown The lack of time The lack of giving I will move forward with my choice My choice to live for me Not for you, not waiting on you My life is my own Instead of wondering I am just going to move on So many things to see and experience So […]
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Tiptoe
The feet lead me into the room The sound of the tiptoe Quiet, so not be seen or heard A child grows up in the distance Never really included or seen Never finding their place She tiptoes as to not be acknowledged If they don’t see her They wont hurt her She knows she does […]
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Here it is
It is another morning looking for my place Looking for the home I seek My home and place are out there The people who have yet to love me I am walking this life I am on this journey of this life My life, unlike anyone else’s In the world today, my life is unique […]
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Her
She made her presence known yesterday She came in like wildfire She was unexpected I like her She says what she thinks She takes back her power Her strength lies in her truth Her truth came flowing out She rose into who she is The confident one The resiliant one The one who never gave […]
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Deserve
I lie here awake It is getting late I should be asleep But my mind creeps on My mind circles around the last few days To be compared to a whirlwind Would be fair The ups and downs of this life Sometimes they flood in like a wave Other times I can barely see the […]
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Certainty
There is no urgency anymore One can not take the steps and be complete There is an ongoing process to it all THere is no final destination The road to healing is challenging It brings forth an uneasy way A way that is not defined or surrounded by barriers There is no set path As […]
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Found
The lessons have been learned. The time has come, The healing is overdue, The time is right. Feel what you feel. Let it feel and come out. The feelings are there. They are raw and obvious. The love from her comes together. It is radiant, like the sun. It is full and bountiful. It is […]
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Mother
The heart of a mother beats like no other It beats for two It feels for two One for their child Once for their own heart Their soul give all, it knows to give The love of a mother is like no other. The sacrifices, the life given up The reason to be all for […]
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Do not come for me.
I am over it. I am over the people who let me down. I am done pretending I am okay when I am not. I will press on. I will not turn around and pick your sorry ass up. I am done. I am not that person anymore. She got me no where. I identify […]
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Disappear
You ever feel like you just want to disappear? I have felt this more times than I can count over the last few days. My heart hurts from what it has been exposed to over the last few weeks. The disappointment of people and their choices and how those choices have effected me. The decisions […]
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Art is my therapy
Art comes in many different forms It comes in the wind It comes through the pen It comes through natural dance The movement of art is free Free to those that want it The flow of art frees the soul It frees the mind of worry The freedom art can bring is boundless It can […]
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It all makes sense
I met with a medium the other day. I asked about my mother. I asked her to show up. It turned into something different. This is what I learned about my mother. She did not remember her childhood as it was traumatic for her. She had a father who drank and never saw her. He […]
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The Silence, the blank canvas
In the silence there is much to see There is much to explore and expand In the silence the heart can slow The mind, can follow and slow as well. In the silence a new creature emerges Like a butterfly coming out of a cacoon The silence of the wet wings flap. The potential lies […]
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Creativity and courage
Courage comes in many forms In comes in bring brave It comes in trying something new Courage comes when strength is needed Creativity is always in the mind It is in the heart as well Creativity comes when the stillness arrives The stillness is what may come The courage is to be someone new The […]
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Art and creativity
Art and creativity lead to healing Find what lights your heart searching for what soothes your soul. The creativity of art is opened. The heart is overwhelmed by what’s inside. The love of the healed soul. The stretch and push to get there. How will one know? Are we all on this process of healing? […]
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Am thoughts
I have been up for a few hours already and I thought that maybe I should write something on here as it has been a hot minute since I wrote last. This past week, I was laid off from my job. A job that sucked the life right out of me. A job that I […]
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Go back for her
I sat across the table from two people I have known a very long time. I felt this instant need to be on the defensive. I did not need to be. Somehow that 16 year old girl came back to the surface. It was like she was right there. Like I had to speak for […]
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The woman
The love I have can be found It can be found in the heart in the struggle of what was in the struggle of what will be. I am in the struggle but it is over There is no longer a push and pull I will not push me any longer The love I have […]
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Waiting no more
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I have spent hours of my time just waiting. Waiting for someone to reply. Waiting for something from someone. I waited again last night. I waited again this morning. Waiting for someone to give a shit about me. It is time for me to stop waiting on others. Waiting for other people to care about […]
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Hidden
It is early morning and I have been up for some time already. I have some things planned today. I sit here and reflect on my past week. A new class, children in my world that need my care and help. Diapers, lots of diapers. Lots of poop and lots of time taken to change […]
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Passion lost
I sit here in my quiet little studio in the early evening and think about how I used to have passion for many things in my life. I used to have a love and life for teaching little ones. I still get excited about hearing their stories and thier faces light up when they tell […]
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Heart condition
A few days ago I went to see a Medium and get a reading from her. She was very nice and I had never seen a medium before. I did not expect to hear what I heard at all. I thought it would be some words from my dead loved ones. It was but not […]
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Worth
I sat there with my heart completely opened up. Exposed to all that could have been there to hurt me. Vulnerable. Spoke my heart, spoke my feelings. I became vulnerable. Against everything inside me. I sat there listening to myself try to prove my worth. Explain to another human how I felt. Explained how I […]
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Thoughts
It is a Saturday afternoon and I am home. I have been dealing with some health issues for a few weeks and it is time to get better. I am on the medicines to help me and it is just time and staying home that will help me. So here I am. I have slept […]
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The Chase
Upon a Sunday evening, I write. I think about the chase I have had over the years with hundreds of people in my life. I think about how I have chased down children in the act of play. So many ways to “chase” down things. You can chase down your dreams. Chase down your goals. […]
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There was this girl I knew…
There was this girl I knew that was fierce. She knew how to survive with the least amount of love and life. She knew that she needed to get an education. I watched her as she sometimes spent 2 hours on public transporation to get to school. I watched her try to sleep on those […]
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Injured
I had quite the night. I did not sleep much. I journaled in my journal a lot last night/this morning. I have cried a lot. I have the massive headache because of it. I am injured. The thing about being injured is that it takes time to heal. It takes time to get back on […]
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Simple
I am not much. I do not have much. I have very little material things, because I just do not want them. I do not want stuff. I also do not have money to spend on things that do not matter. I sit alone in my simpleness. I do not have money to offer others. […]
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In honor of…Mrs. Peckham
This past week a very special person past away. My middle school English teacher fought the fight of breast cancer for over 30 years and it finally won. She was a fighter, she was the original fighter. She was the strongest woman I have ever met. Her personality was strong and tenacious and she left […]
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Proud
Last night I was walking back to my car from my college class. A class I have had to drop and a class that I have failed several times. The “last class.” The last class until I have earned my BA in child development. My nemesis, if you will. As I passed the very familiar […]
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Mother’s day energy
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Yesterday was mother’s day in America. A day in the past I really have struggled with. This year was different. I spent time with two of my children the day before mother’s day and I was grateful. I spent time with my daughter on mother’s day at her work and she was genuinely happy that […]
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Limitations
So it is a Monday morning. I am home, sick. I am thinking alot about a lot of things in my life. I have listened to something this morning about your own limitations. THe limits you set on yourself. This covers quite a bit of information. A lot of avenues in life can have limitations […]
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Truth
I just want truth in my life. I just want to be able to get up in the morning and know that I am living my true life. I do not want to feel like I am anyone less than who I was created to be. I want to surround myself with people who will […]
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Indifferent
Today is Sunday and I have been trying to figure out how I feel all day. The word I came up with was indifferent. This time last week I was getting ready for my birthday. This weekend has been pretty quiet. I wanted to get more done but felt like I needed to just sit. […]
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Does it really matter?
I sit here on a Friday morning, going through my life papers. Papers, attributing to a description of what I have done with my life. Papers that fit in a box, two boxes. Of all that I have done in my life, a few papers are what is to show for it. I can only […]
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Poetry and inner work
It is a Wednesday and I am the coffee shop. I have spent the last few hours working on math. The dreaded statistics class. I am glad I got as far as I could. This past weekend I explored some things on my own. I went to a play and I went to a poetry […]
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Assumptions
I have had a moment of realization. Yesterday, well Friday, I had a discussion with someone about someone from my past. Hemming and hawing about how they were and what was thier intention on something in the present. Holding onto what was. I can not do that anymore. I still do not think highly of […]
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Make Time
It is Saturday morning and I am awake and sipping on a hot cup of coffee. I am grateful to have the place I am at. I am grateful for a nice neighbor that wants to share things in his life with me. I am grateful for my daughter who wants to spend time with […]
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Simple thank you
Sometimes you meet people who will never ever thank you. They will continue to just take and take. I do not understand that. I would bend over backwards for others, but they won’t. It is mean and unnecessary. It is not human to not help someone else out. It just does not work that way […]
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Table
When you are looking at the table that seats who you think should be there and it comes up empty. You realize that you need a new table. A table with people at it that support you and come along side of you. My table is empty right now. Sometimes there is one of my […]
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Some things are overdue
In the last month or so there has been some stirring of some family issues in my life. My mother past away a few years ago and the way it was handled was not the best. There are family issues and feelings hurt because of them. Not my feelings. But still, it affects me as […]
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Release
This is the word that kept playing over and over again in my mind last night. Release. Release those that have disappointed you. Release your past. Release all the things. So in an attempt to do just that. I write. I write about things that may have happened in a life that I have learned […]
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You ever just know?
You ever just know that you are made for more? You look around your current circumstances and just know that there is more for you? I am there. I have been there. I look around and I am very happy about where I live and the things that surround me. A simple life where I […]
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Passion
I have much to say about this today. I encountered and let into my home someone who has no passion about anything. The energy from this person sucked me dry. I had to block it out of my life. I could feel it, almost see it when this person entered my home. I did not […]
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Shame and the physical body
I have been looking through some old photos of a place I worked at many years ago. It was a place of joy and children. Of course, a preschool. What happened at this place I worked at for several years is that I was injured. I was placing boxes of heavy toys out daily on […]
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Dreams
When I was a teenager I did not have dreams of what I wanted to be or what I wanted when I grew up. Here I am so many years later, wondering what my dreams for my life should be. I wanted to be a veternarian when I was little, but I am perfectly content […]
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Freedom
This past week I have been getting over being sick. This is what I have learned about that experience. People come and go in your life. I have learned this very well in the past few years. But this past week, I saw who showed up for me. Someone from a past relationship. Someone that […]
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Expectations
It is almost 4 am and I am awake. I have been up for a few hours. I am sick and dealing with a cold and stuff. I have been thinking about the role of expectations of others in my life. I am to the point where I need to expect nothing from anyone anymore. […]
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How deep is too deep?
Another video watched on betrayal trauma. The man on the other end of the screen brings up yet another term of what I went through with a husband who is addicted to porn. I get it, he was not there for me. In any way. He may have never loved me. He exposed my own […]
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Hoarding
Hoarding is real. Stuff is real. Clinging onto things of this world is real. Hoarding is a mental illness. I watched as it took over my mother. I watched as it took over my grandmother. It makes me sad that these women, people that shared my blood got so caught up in the need not […]
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Healing
Last weekend I spent some time with my brother. It was his birthday. I have not seen him in months. This is the type of relationship we have. Well, for now. I spent time talking to his wife, who I seemed to grow up with. We spent time being new moms together when these grownups […]
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Keep going
I sat on the couch in the home of my 8th grade English teacher. This was the second visit in the last few months with her. We sat and talked and watched one of her favorite shows she found on television. Her fiesty comments reminded me of sitting in her class so many years ago. […]
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Defeated
Yesterday I went to the long awaited appointment to get some help for my hip pain. It “should” help you right away. Good, because I have to return to work and walking is a huge part of what I do. Well, this morning at 4am when I had to go to use the restroom, the […]
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Legacy
I am a very simple woman. The pocessions of all my things can fit into two car loads. I do not need much, nor do I require much. Simple life. After a very complicated life. I need the simpleness. To be able to sit with myself and be okay. With that being said, I think […]
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Wishing I didn’t feel so much
So yesterday it happened. A meeting with a boss. An emotional reaction. Advocating for children that I have been in charge of and observing for months. Shot down with her authority. Shot down with her “knowledge of this age.” You do not know these children. You do not know my limitations. You do not know. […]
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Rainy day thoughts
I sit in the library, a library I have been to once, maybe twice over the last 20ish years. My son sang out of the front of this library when he was four years old when this place opened. I did laundry not far from here at a laundry mat and decided I would come […]
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Like
With all the things that I write about. I think it is time to write about things that I like about myself. Maybe it sounds conceited. I do not know. I feel led to build up what needs to be built up. It is all done with the hope that someone else will do the […]
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Grief
People say that you have to go through the process of grief to fully get through the healing process. I can see how that would be true. You have to grieve the loss of the life you thought you would have. The grief of how you were treated and what you tolerated. The grief of […]
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Lavendar and Milkweed
I was on my long walk this morning with my dog. I saw milkweed and lavendar planted at several different houses. If I could have just sat down and cried, I would have. I had a huge lavendar plant outside my bedroom in the last house I lived in as a married woman. I also […]
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Life and thoughts
Hello and good afternoon. It is a lazy Sunday afternoon and I am at a coffee like house and I sit and listen to the music playing. Very jazz and very mellow. I would like to think that this is how my life has merged into. Mellow. The craziness of the world and what I […]
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What is the point?
I sit here on a Friday afternoon. I am home. I have been home for two weeks now on break from my job as a preschool teacher. When I go back, it will be a shit show. Two children leaving this month and a placemat needed for both of them. Pressure to get all things […]
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Quiet Intensity 