Heart

I housed them for nine months

I nurtured them with my very breasts

Four beautiful wonderful children

They didn’t ask to be here

But they were wanted by me

Now I am not needed by them.

Their cuts, scraps, and scars

I know them too well

They know none of mine

I have to let go and move on

They do not want me or need me

They tend to thier own scars now

They make the decisions for their lives

I am not in control of them anymore

The years I had them I loved

But my time is done

My time here is not over

My time as their mom is

They do not need me anymore

It is time to put that energy

Into the very being that writes this

Why isnt it easy?

Why can’t I just let go?

Everything in me crumbles

They chose to ignore me

Just like she did

Pretend I don’t exist, just like she did

It hurts, it keeps happening

how will my heart ever heal?

How will I begin to see my worth?

I thought it was wrapped up in them

But they threw it back at me

They walked away from my love

Unheard, unseen, unloved

Rinse, repeat, rinse

It flows all too well to those who are near

Take whatever you can

When there is nothing left

You walk away

The cycle repeats

over and over again

Will my heart ever fully heal?

How can you treat someone like this?

How do you just turn off your love,

your want, your desire for another?

I do not understand

The rage in me tells me to tell

them to fuck off

You never deserved the amount

of love that I had for you

You never understood

Now I sit, alone

My body hurts, my brain is in overdrive

Why can’t I understand why?

I do not understand because I can’t

I will never not love deep

I will never not love hard

Other people don’t feel like I do

Other people don’t know what I know

I have been created different

No better or no worse than anyone

My heart feels different than most

What is going to make it whole again?

I can see all the pain

I can feel all the pain

But when will it go away?

When will the breakthrough happen?

Each day, I move forward

Each day, I move back

My heart becomes numb

Then I feel and it all comes through

I get mad and hurt at the same time

Does my story even matter anymore?

Will I ever see the healing?

The healing I deserve?

Fuck the generational trauma

So it happened to them

Will my disappearance heal it?

No, it will not, it will only

place it on the shoulders of

those that come after.

So where do I go?

What do I do?

I keep writing.

I keep expressing

I establish boundaries

I tell them my peace

I will put my story out there

I wil put my pain out there

I am not alone

I think about the women who were silenced

Who never wrote any of it down

The level of shit they carried

A world that didn’t care

It didn’t want to hear their voice

Many in my world don’t either

Fuck them, fuck that

Fuck those that don’t listen

I am worth more than you know

My value and existance is beyond

Beyond the titles thrown on me

Dejected from the lives of who I thought mattered

Facing life and being real sucks to them

Being fake and living in that

Its the choice they have made

It confuses the fuck out of me

I will not be in that place

I will and have faced all before me

I will not be a coward

I will not recoil and be ashamed

My place is no longer there

I wil move into my new place

A place of value and respect

I will greet the day as it is

I will let go of all that does not serve

My wants, my desires, or my future

I will bring along those who did love

I will let them be in my posse

They will guide me through

They will love me through

I am not alone in this world

My very spirit soars with many

I will lean into their support

I will heal and be new

A new creation waiting

Waiting to see all I need to see.