Disappear

You ever feel like you just want to disappear? I have felt this more times than I can count over the last few days. My heart hurts from what it has been exposed to over the last few weeks. The disappointment of people and their choices and how those choices have effected me. The decisions I have to make because of thier choices. The struggle.

To not have the pressure of people that do matter to me to not be disappointed in me. I can not live this life. I can not live up to the pressure of what others want from me. Get a degree, I did it. I went back and from no help from anyone, I did it. Now I sit here with it and it is just another piece of paper that I have acquired. I showed that man that I was not dumb. But he is gone as well.

I do not regret things in my life. Not the big things at least. But the little things. Man, they way heavy on me every day. My simple life has become complicated, and letting go of more things is not going to fix it this time. I have to find a vision, find a goal, and press towards it. My body and mind feel like they are floundering. Like a fish out of water. No direction, no goal. What happened? How did it get this way? A choice, mine, or someone else’s. It does not matter at this point. How am I going to move on? What steps will I take? I am not sure.

Curling up in a fetal position and crying is what I really want to do. And I may today. The headache is great today because of the crying from yesterday. The body fails, the body is not healing. It has to come out. All of it. All of the trauma. Today will be the day.

I will manifest the job that I want. A job that will make me fulfilled. A job that makes me want to go to work. Working with children does not appeal to me anymore. Boogers, attitudes and enough shit to last a lifetime is what I have seen. I have burned through it all. Burned out on all of it.

Regroup and disappear, come back stronger. Get off social media. Get off other sites that bring you back to the reality of who you are. A single woman with no future. Not yet at least. This recovery is personal and I will recover from it. More healing needs to happen. More healing will happen. I will take the steps. One at a time. I will be who I am meant to be. One step at a time.