I met with a medium the other day. I asked about my mother. I asked her to show up. It turned into something different. This is what I learned about my mother. She did not remember her childhood as it was traumatic for her. She had a father who drank and never saw her. He would push past her and not acknowledge her. He had an issue with alcohol and there may have been physical abuse. She had to hide, her home was not a safe place. She sat in hopelessness. She lived in hopelessness.
She lived in a skewed world, she did not see things like people see them. She had a touch of something on the spectrum before the spectrum was even a thing. There was no help for her. She struggled with transitions. She struggled being around all the “right” people but then let her guard down when she got home. Her home, with me, was a safe place. For her. She created it a safe place by letting it all out on me.
When she saw me, she saw that I knew her. She saw the intensity of my eyes. I kept quiet. I knew it would be better to stay quiet. I was right. I knew her, I knew she had been abused. It was never discussed. It was never brought up. She did not speak of anything about her past, her parents, her childhood. None of those things were ever talked about. I knew it had to be bad. It was.
My heart breaks for this woman who chose this life. She thought getting away from her dad was the answer, then he followed her. I can not imagine what she was thinking. What thoughts swirled in her brain. What thoughts kept her up at night.
The decision to break relationship with her was the right one. She did not want to be a parent, let alone a grandparent. My children were spared that. I have wondered about that my entire adult life. Not believing that I was right about that. But now I know I was. I was right to put up boundaries. My children were not affected by her rage and hopelessness. I am grateful.
I will continue to do my healing on my own life. I will continue knowing that my mom was who she was. She had reason to be the way she was. I hope that she finds peace as she deserves that. To not be hurting physically or mentally anymore. I hope that she releases all that was. I hope she knows that I loved her in a way that she may never fully comprehend. I am grateful for what I learned about how I wanted to be or not be as a mom because of her. I am grateful I have been able to pour my love into my own children, maybe even from her as well.
May you find peace Mom.
Quiet Intensity 