I have been up for a few hours already and I thought that maybe I should write something on here as it has been a hot minute since I wrote last. This past week, I was laid off from my job. A job that sucked the life right out of me. A job that I did not want to go to any day that I was supposed to be there. A job where there were too many behavior issues to actually be able to teach. Too many diapers to change to actually have time to have fun with the children. Too much of a lot of stuff.
Still, the sting of being laid off was a little rough and a lot unexpected. Now I sit with options of what I will do next. I do not have time as I do not have the income to make it without being paid. I went to a job interview the other day and they want someone who would be willing to work 6 days a week 10 hour days. I am not that person. There has to be a balance there or I will not do it. I can not do it. Being somewhere for 10 hours and then another hour in traffic is not something I am willing to do. Not now. I did it years ago and it is why I am struggling with so many health issues. It is not normal or healthy to work that much. Especially if your company is doing well. It does not make sense to me. So I was not a fit.
Something big is coming, and maybe it is not big. Maybe it is just something small and peaceful. I would be totally okay with that. I do not need to save the world. I just need to exist and occasionally do things that bring me joy and growth. I want to be important, I want to feel important. And I will. I will be searching for my new place. My new place to be who I am meant to be. To be silly and laugh and smile. Not get dirty looks and know people are talking shit about you.
Life is very interesting. To say that the last few years have been turbulance, would be an understatement. I never thought my life would look like this. I never thought I would be able to just make the choice to go to the ocean and go and jump in. I never thought I would be able to be on skates again, thought those days were behind me. But here I am. I never thought I would have so much freedom to do what I want, but here I am. The choices and decisions of others have affected me to some degree, but what I do with them and moving forward is all my choice. Not someone else’s, but my choice. I get to choose my life. I get to choose to live in a studio. I get to choose what I will have surrounding me and who I will let into my world.
Venturing into the unknown. I know it too well. I am in the unknown right now. Cautious about using any money as I do not know when I will get more income. Using what I have. Thinking about what I could get rid of to make my life more simple. Today will be a day of doing just that. Getting rid of things. I can not live in anything that does not being me joy. I will not do it. I deserve more.
Quiet Intensity 