Hidden

It is early morning and I have been up for some time already. I have some things planned today. I sit here and reflect on my past week. A new class, children in my world that need my care and help. Diapers, lots of diapers. Lots of poop and lots of time taken to change them. I remain hidden in the place I work at. I do not care to be seen and no one sees me there. I am just a body in another room with the children no one wanted. It was all a set up. I get it. I see it clearly.

I am not needed nor wanted there. I have tolerated a lot the last few months because this woman has focused on education over her job. It has paid the bills. But I have recoiled into this person, this teacher, I barely even recognize anymore. I am intimidated by those around me. I have lost who I am and my strength and knowledge in the field. I am being watched. I am being criticized. I am being pushed out. This hidden person is wanting me gone so that their people can take back thier place in their class. The class I took over. The class that I was told would be less and is more. The class, well I could go on and on. So I change the diapers and keep my head down.

I do not understand why I feel shame. Feel shame over calling someone out for speaking in spanish after they just spoke in english. I have to get over it. I am not in charge of anyone’s response. I am not the victim. I am not.

I am not responsible for how people view me. I heard that recently and can really understand. The person I am to each person I have ever met and will ever meet in my life is different. One as complex as the other. Why do I need to be so many people? When will I find and settle into who I am. Without the judgement. Without the people thinking or assumptions I make on what they think about me. I am more than that. Let them think what they want to think. These are the same people who have never asked anything about me. They made thier opinion with or without my imput. They never asked. They made up in thier mind who I am and I have allowed myself to sink to the level of feeling like I need to be hidden.

I do not sing out loud with the children. I do not run around with the children. I do not have the fun in public with them. This is not who I am as a teacher. This is not who I am as a person. I did not use to care what people thought. The nasty looks sting, but who says I have to look at them? No one. I am going to get the dirty looks whether I be me or be whoever they think I am. So I might as well have fun and stop worrying about it all. I am not there to make friends anyways. I already know that no one there sees me as a friend anyway. I am just another teacher. Another woman that is trying to do their best but does things a little different. I am not who they think I am. I am not who I have settled to be. I have to be more. Whereever I am in my life. I have to be more. More of who I really am. I miss the smile and the comfort of my laughter and happiness. It has not been removed. I am as much a part of it disappearing as allowing it to be taken from me. I have been intimidated long enough. I am not that hidden girl anymore.