I sit here in my quiet little studio in the early evening and think about how I used to have passion for many things in my life. I used to have a love and life for teaching little ones. I still get excited about hearing their stories and thier faces light up when they tell me something. But it is not the same. This body feels the impact of it all. This body is not recovering like it used to. My passion for life is not there.
There are few things that I look forward to in my life. A visit with a friend. A time to look at the flowers and gardens of the neighborhood. The sunset. It is a simple sweet uncomplicated life. But is it really? The thoughts spin and the thoughts spin. They keep swirling and circling. I find it hard to focus and figure out which way is up.
My life has changed. It has changed from just a mere year ago. The things that I used to focus on are not there anymore. I am tired of trying to be all that I am not. It is exhausting and my body can not handle it anymore. I am not giving up on life. I am just giving up that life. The life of chasing people who do not want to stand by me when I need them. Who take when I have nothing left to give. I can not be that. I can not let that happen anymore.
I heard a quote earlier today about how you need to surround yourself with people who support you and cheer you on. I still have hope that those people are out there. I also heard something about how there are people that you have not met yet that are waiting to pour into you and love you. I have to find some of those people. I still have passion in me. It is still there. But it is guarded and quiet. Much like what I have become. A shell of who I am meant to be. I have felt the need to be quiet for so many years. Be quiet in relationships. Keep your head down low. Do not speak what is on your mind. It has brought me to this place. This place of feeling numb. Numb to life. Numb to living.
It is not what my soul needs. My soul needs to dance. My soul needs to heal. My soul needs to speak up for myself and be all that I can be. I do not know the direction my life will go. But I am putting my foot forward and walking in it. I am doing it one step at a time. My passions from 10 years ago have changed. And that is okay. We all grow and evolve. It is time for me to embrace where I am and take it one step at a time.
Quiet Intensity 