A few days ago I went to see a Medium and get a reading from her. She was very nice and I had never seen a medium before. I did not expect to hear what I heard at all. I thought it would be some words from my dead loved ones. It was but not as much as the news of a heart condition that I have.
This condition is not one that has a medicinal cure. This is one that is a deep understanding of where my heart lies. It lies in a chest that is filled with hurt and pain. Even as I write this, my heart is hurting. I want to cry. The medium likened my heart to a volcano. Filled with such turmoil. Her words as she looked at me was that she was really concerned for my health. No one is concerned for my health. Ever. Never have been. It has been no one’s thought or priority to think about my health.
I feel raw, not broken, not damaged, just raw. All the things I have tried to hide came to the surface in a simple drawing and simple words from this complete stranger. Behind a mask is where I have been living. Behind a mask. Pretending to be a certain way because the truth is too much for me to endure, let alone anyone else. The pain goes so deep. My pain and others before me. Always fighting to do what is right, even at my own expense. Well, here it is coming up. My own expense. My heart is so raw. It is not, not fixable but I have to let it clean out and breathe. I can not keep going this way.
So where does it start? I have no idea. I write and write and try to dump it all out. I sit here at 6:33 am and realize I have not really eaten anything of substance in about 30 hours. I chose that. The way that I can overcome this is to start with one foot in front of the other and be so selfish in taking care of me. Not to find anyone or anything else. But to find me. To find that woman who needs to be loved. To begin to heal the heart that has been so worn out. My physical body is feeling it. I wondered over the years how long it would take before my body responded. Well, here is the answer.
The plan is to do the work the medium suggested. The plan it to write it all out. The plan is to start writing down what I need to do to build my physical body back or regrowth to where I feel healthy and alive again. The plan is to be tender and loving towards me, my entirety. My entire being. Meaning to make sure I am doing something for every part of me. My brain, my soul, and my body. All need to be working with each other. I can not fight my own body and soul anymore. It, all of me needs to be loved by me first. That is what needs to happen. Major healing and love for myself in all areas.
Quiet Intensity 