There was this girl I knew that was fierce. She knew how to survive with the least amount of love and life. She knew that she needed to get an education. I watched her as she sometimes spent 2 hours on public transporation to get to school. I watched her try to sleep on those buses because she did not know if she would sleep that night. Sometimes, she did not know where she would sleep at night. I saw her continue and press on. It was just her. No support, no love, just this fierce determination to live at life. She didn’t live at life. She did what she knew she had to, she went to school. She would not be like her mom. She owned what she could carry. She took up the least amount of space possible. She did not eat regularly. She survived. Day to day.
She became the girl that people would dump on. She took it. She would internalize it and keep it wrapped up inside her. She would become a safe place for others. But never felt safe herself. She was forgotten. She was lost. She continued her life thinking that others were always more important than her. That is how life treated her. She was never recognized. She was never applauded. She never expected anything. She always hoped she would not be forgotten but she was. Forgotten by all that she thought mattered to her. But they did not really matter. She was forgotten. Put to the side. Never important to anyone.
There was never anything really special about her. She existed in a world where everyone took what she had. Took her energy. Took her laugh. Took her smile. Took credit for the things she did. She always thought that one day, someone would really see her. They never did. She stands in a room that is empty. She has nothing left. Her hands are empty and her soul is so sad. She gave it all away. She has nothing left for herself. They took it all. Her pride. Her spark. Her life. She stands empty. Head down. Nothing left to give. Nothing left to be.
So that girl, what would you do for her? Would you pick her head up and hold her close? Would you tell her that life will get better? What would you say to her? What do you think would make the difference for her? Would you tell her that you beleive in her? This is the same girl who did not think she would live past 18 years old. What would be the point? What is the point now? What would you tell her there is to live for? She raised the children, she married the man. She tried to make life better for them. Only to be rejected by them all. Only to be judged and left to fend for herself.
What would help her get a passion back in her life? What is her passion? She clearly gave it away to people who did not care. Who took what they wanted from her. What is left? That little girl who looks up and sees the beauty of the flowers and the animals but can not have the strength or desire to ever chose herself over others first. Time alone. Time to reflect and see what there is in life left for her. It could be something that she has never seen before. It could be a respect that she finds for her body and her beautiful soul. A beautiful soul she is. So much love and desire for so many others. But never taught how to truly look in the mirror and see what she needs to see.
She is beautiful. She brings a peace and calm with her when she enters any room. Children and animals can feel it. They can feel the connection and the peace when she enters. She has carried it in her soul since she was born. She has such an important presence and light that she brings. But it drains her. It sucks her dry as people take and take. She wants to help but has been taken advantage of so many times that her poor body and soul can not function without pain and infection. All that has been taken from her is showing up in her body.
Step back dear one. Step back from it all. Stop trying so hard to be whoever it is that you think you should be. She is not you. You continuing down this road does not serve you. You have so much but right now, be less. Be selfish. Take care of what you need to take care of. Be the minimum. You do not have anything anyone else needs right now. You need to take all that energy and focus on getting better. Your body has been through enough. It has been trying to tell you. Will you listen? Will you allow yourself to break free of all that has been stored up in that body of yours? Years of abusive from others. Years of taking it all on. Years of being that teacher who does above and beyond. You are her. You have given like no other. It is showing up in your body. It is sceaming from your back and your head. You have carried it all.
Please stop looking to the right and to the left for someone to help you. They are not coming. The only person that can see this through is you. You are the only one that can see it through. No one has to come for you. No one will come for you. You have to show up for yourself. Only you and you. That girl needs you. That little girl who was fierce and determined is still inside there. She was covered and hidden for years. She came out when your children needed her too, but then away she went. She is strong and she is not someone to be fucked with. She is you. You are her. Go back for her. Be her wings. Be her strength. Remind her of who the fuck she is. Remind her of how beautiful her soul really is. No one created that beauty in her soul but her. She shined right through. Let her shine again. She needs to shine again. Her entire being needs to find the peace for herself that can not be found in any other being on this planet. She rises up and she will be great. She will become a better person than she ever thought she would be.
Fuck all those people who took from her. It was a gift to be around her and you threw it away. She learned from you. She learned that people can be ugly and mean. And judgemental. All the things she does not want to be. She left them behind. She left it all behind. Those associations. Those people. They tried to destroy her but yet, she is still standing. Her head is bowed and her body is weak but she is still standing. She will grow from within and be more than she has ever been. The newness of the new girl will evolve. She will take back what was taken from her. She will rise above. She has the backing of a few really strong women whose blood runs through her veins. She has the wisdom and love of women who have gone before her. They have rooted her on. They have passed on thier rage. She will rise again. And this time, it will be all anew.
Quiet Intensity 