Simple

I am not much. I do not have much. I have very little material things, because I just do not want them. I do not want stuff. I also do not have money to spend on things that do not matter. I sit alone in my simpleness. I do not have money to offer others. I do not have any materialistic things to offer anyone. I have been discarded by many and will be discarded by many more because of this. It is not something I can change or want to change. I am who I am.

I am the daughter of a doctor. You would never know that by where I live or what I lack or material pocessions. My father’s title means nothing to me or my financial status. I do not expect anything from him anymore. He made his choices based on money. He chose who he chose based on money and status. I can look at my life and not regret my education or my training or anything I have and can be with who I am. I am not in his realm of influence and have nothing to offer him. So I am discarded. He has made his choice. He chose my brother and he chose my brother’s kids. He is entitled to that.

He never chose me. He never chose me at the age of 8 years old. He chose a life for himself. I was discarded then, if ever wanted. The prestige of having a girl after three boys. Its all I ever was to him. A item to be checked off on the grand scheme of being successful. When the marriage went, so did I. Forgotten little girl, who was not wanted by either of her parents. I can’t undo thier choices or who my parents are. But I can move forward knowing that I am valued by God, if by no one else.

I am not going to take a sunday to feel sorry for myself. I do not have the capacity for it. I will sit and I will cry and feel what I feel. I owe myself that. I am working on two weeks of being sick. Knowing my work is keeping me sick because of all the germs. Making myself stay home to rest. Making myself continue to walk my dog for my exercise and depression. Knowing that I will get better but have to slow down.

This simple life. Go to work, engage with children, come home. Feed myself food that nourishes my body. Do the best I can for me. It seems so simple. It is a very alone place to be. I need that now. Relationships are hard. People want to just take. And take. They do not stop to ask about me. It is a world where no one stops to just listen anymore. It is the world I am part of for now. I will chose to navigate slowly and chose to remain quiet. No one wants to hear what I have to say. What I did over the weekend or anything about me. It is okay. They do not have to have a window in my life, they do not want it. So I will not give it freely, anymore.

I will continue to live simply. I will continue to be quiet and not add anything other than what is needed. This place I am working at do not care. They are wrapped up in whatever it is that they are wrapped up in. I am not on the agenda or on the list of people to care about. I have to be okay with that. My expectations of anything or anyone caring have to be dropped. This is just a job. This is just a way to earn money. It has never been “just a job” to me. Ever, there was always a purpose. There was never a place where everyone was so unwelcoming. It is what it is. I can not change it. My presence is not going to change that. My heart and my kindness is not going to change that. I can only go in and offer to help. I can not get wrapped up in the drama or the whatever that is happening there. The energy sucks me dry. The less I say, the less of my little energy is taken away from me. Something I need to be very guarded about.

I will not be what others think I should be. I will not be what any single person wants me to be. As I sit on my journey and look at all that I have been, I move forward cautiously guarded by the past. It is in the presence of hope and dreams that I can move forward. It is time for me to dream of making a difference for the children that I come across. It is all I can do with who I am and what I will become.

I will use the neglect and lack of love that I had growing up to make sure no child ever feels unwanted by me. I can not bear the thought of a child ever feeling like I did. Like I struggled with. I owe it to them to give back. I move forward knowing I will get a job that will help me advocate for those that can not. I will be that person.

I will never have a grand title next to my name. But I will have the letters BA next to my name as I did finish that. In just a few shorts weeks, that will all be complete. I have to sit in on feeling accomplished through going through what I have been through in the last few years and know that I did that. I did that! No one did it for me. No one helped me do the work. I did all of it. In the middle of dealing with a failed relationship and all the other things that happened. So many things to list. But the hyper focus of this She wolf was there. She shined right through, just as she has always done. No one helped her. She did that all on her own. She spent nights up and writing papers. She spent time at the library, coffee house, etc. to get the work done. She did that. That simple woman is you. That forgotten child shined right through. She is you and you should be incredibly proud of who you are.

You do not need the acceptance of anyone but you. You do not need to prove to anyone who you are. The people that have yet to be part of your life are getting ready. They are getting their own shit together so that when you do find them, you can enjoy life together. You are her. You have grown. You have overcome. You have worked through all the battles that were up against you. You can stand on your own two feet and get beyond through. You can be who you were created to be. Not what was expected by others. Not the person that anyone thought you would be. Let’s be honest, no one has stood by you. You owe nothing to no one. You live your simple life and be the best you can be.

Visit the ocean at least once a week. Watch and listen to the waves. Put your feet in the water. Ground your feet in the earth. Sleep naked. Shower and take care of your body. No one deserves to experience the best version of you more than you do. You are her. You are becoming who she was destined to be. Who she is destined to be by no one else’s list or expectations. You will become all you are meant to become. It is new and unique to you. You will not be like anyone else. You are the only person you can become. You have to stop thinking your life is like anyone else’s. It is not. It is yours. Make it what you want. Simple and sweet. Filled with things and people that really love you. Let go of anything less than that. You do not need to fill a void in anyone’s life. That is not your responsiblility anymore. It never was. Let it go. You are more that who you were.