Proud

Last night I was walking back to my car from my college class. A class I have had to drop and a class that I have failed several times. The “last class.” The last class until I have earned my BA in child development. My nemesis, if you will. As I passed the very familiar tennis courts on the way to my car, a tear started to fall. A tear of pride.

You see, not far, less than a quarter mile from this spot I was walking on is a park. A park that many things in my life happened at. But the first thing that happened at that park was while I was in high school. I lived out of a car, somewhere in the 17 year age of my life. I would go to this park and go in that bathroom to wash what I could in the sink before I headed off to high school classes. I remember putting my foot in the hard cold sink to wash off the dirt and shame that I felt at that time.

But this park also introduced my children to the love of baseball/softball. It is where they would play and learn the game that took them through high school. This would be the park that feet from that bathroom, my youngest son would celebrate his first birthday. There are memories at this park. I have made peace with it.

But last night, walking so close to that memory of where I was when I was a high school. Homeless, whole future in front of me. Well, there was this tremendous feeling of pride that came over me. So proud of where I have come. Where I came from. Even though the mother kicked me out at 16 and left me to, well who knows what her intention was. I broke that statistic and became more. In my own time. I am so very proud of what I have become despite what I was dealt. I could be many things and I could be many places in my life now. But I held on and walked through.

I created the life that I deserve. It is not perfect. It does not have to be. I do not have to meet anyone’s standards. It is my life. I make it what I want. I have struggled, I have seen a lot. But I also have shown four humans that came right from this weathered body that their mother can do it. That their mother did not give up. It would have been easy to do. God knows I have had my times that I just needed to rest and recover. But in just three more classes, I will be done with this part of the journey. I will walk past these tennis courts with the determination to finish done. Done! This girl. Homeless and abandoned by all family by the age of 16 years old. They did not help me accomplish this. I did this all from my own strength. There will be no ceremony or big flags or congrats from anyone. I do not need it.

I rose above despite all of it. I will not feel sorry for myself any longer as I know I can and will continue to do big things. I will be the things that I want to be. I will provide for myself and the little furry creature I have been gifted during this time. I will find my people and I will make my life what I want it to be. I love that life can just change at any given moment and does. I love that I can be flexible to that and keep pressing in on the unknown. I love that I can be grateful in a moment at night, in the dark and recognize just how far I have come and feel pride, not shame in it. I am truly healing and I am so incredibly grateful.