Yesterday was mother’s day in America. A day in the past I really have struggled with. This year was different. I spent time with two of my children the day before mother’s day and I was grateful. I spent time with my daughter on mother’s day at her work and she was genuinely happy that I was there. I even told her that I was grateful that she wanted to spend time with me. As I am really grateful that she does. I do have four children. I have grown four children in my body, nourished four children with my breastmilk. Spent countless hours holding them, touching them, comforting them. None of that time I will ever regret.
But this mother’s day was different. The sorrow over my own relationship with my mom was not there. I have forgiven myself of what I can when it comes to her. I did the best I could. I lived my life. She lived hers. She made choices and I made mine. I always wanted her to be happy with or without me in her life. I can only hope she was. I tried to get together with my brother to honor her, but he had other plans. I offered. It is all I could do. In his mind, she was his mother, not mine. And if I am perfectly honest, she was his mother. She was part of this life, a part of his kids lives and thier kids. She was not part of mine or my children’s lives. She is who she was. She made those choices based on what she knew.
She has been gone for a few years now. She will never know what an incredible human I am. She lost out on that gift. She gave me life and I am grateful. She taught me so much from her lack in my life. She taught me this strength that she never had but I have it and my children have it. I rose up to the challenge. I was not raised by her but raised by a community that has made me who I am. I am proud of who I am. And I am sad she never knew me. But I have stopped living in shame and remorse about the decision she made many years to walk out on my life. Mother’s do not do that. They do not choose one over the other. They don’t exclude. I learned that and I continue to learn that as my children are adults and are becoming humans that think, breathe, and have amazing views on life and love and all things. I am respectful to their beliefs, realizing they too are on a journey trying to figure it all out. If I am part of their journey, great, if not, thier choice. I am not taking it personal anymore.
This energy of sadness was not there. Maybe because I am sick, maybe because I just can not carry it anymore. I can not carry it anymore. I can not carry the guilt and shame anymore. I forgive and love myself for being who I am and being who I am to the people around me. I can only be me. I can not carry on the guilt of my mom or her shame of how she lived her life. It is not mine to carry anymore. I will not pass it on to my children or thier children. It will stop with me. I will not do that to anymore of the people in my family. The shame and guilt stops with me. I forgive those that carried it for so long and I forgive me for allowing it to sit on my shoulders-a place it NEVER belonged on!
I will break the barriers and crap from those who came before me. My family and future people deserve that. I will take the hit and I am okay with that. I have the tools I need to be what I need to be without the crap from my past. I am a worthy individual and I do have a lot to offer the world. They need my story. The world needs my thoughts and opinions about life and justice and about all the things that are interesting to me. I am worth being heard by those who need to hear it. I will be that voice and I will make a difference in my own little world.
The legacy of guilt and shame breaks here and now. With me. It is over.
Quiet Intensity 