Limitations

So it is a Monday morning. I am home, sick. I am thinking alot about a lot of things in my life. I have listened to something this morning about your own limitations. THe limits you set on yourself. This covers quite a bit of information. A lot of avenues in life can have limitations set on them. So here I go with my thoughts on that.

I am learning I need limitations in my relationships. I would like to be in relationships where I feel heard. Like what I have to say is valuable and important. Not just dismissed or talked over or compared to someone else’s life shit. I want to be heard. I want to have people around me who actually listen. Who hear me. And see me. I do not want to just be a safe dumping ground for anyone anymore. I do not want to be the place where someone drops their trauma in my lap and moves on. I do not deserve that.

I have lived too much of my life being a dumping ground for those around me. I will not be that to anyone anymore. I have begun to see the beginnings of it with people at work. They are not my people. They do not stop to ask me anything about me or my life. I will remain quiet. I can not do it anymore. I will be fully present for the children and leave it at that. I can not keep asking questions when I know others will not ask about me. Maybe I am being selfish but maybe they are. I can not keep letting people dump on me. It brings my energy down and it makes me feel like less than. It makes me realize how much more that I want to just be alone and surround myself with people who care. I will find those people. Eventually.

At my class at the college, I come and go and say the minimum. One gal has been friendly enough but in a few weeks, we will part and be strangers again. All of them have classes to go and lives to live. I wish them well. I have never really made friends in my classes, I know it is because I am super focused on just passing the class. But maybe, just maybe it is more than that. I am in my last few weeks of this class I have dropped and failed several times. My goal is attainable and within my reach. Something I have worked for for the last 3 years. Something I thought I would never be able to attain. I set my own limitations on myself with that. And in a few weeks, I will have to raise the bar as I will be complete. What will be my next step? I am not sure yet.

I am physically limited by the things that are not around me. A yard, a garden, a place to sit outside. But what can I do about that? I am finally in my own place. And I am doing what I want to do. So I can look into taking classes to learn about all things outside for the one day. For the time to just be around other people who like to be outside. To make a friend that I can help them in their garden. To be what I want to be. To learn something new. To be around community. To make community. I have learned that I am the one limiting myself. I am limiting what I can and can not do. I am limiting what I am by letting others tell me what to do or not to do. I am sick of all of it. They do not give a shit about me. I am the only one that can decide my life. And I will.

Letting things go, letting a life go. Being okay with walking into a life that is unknown and full of potential and promise. This is where you are going. This is what you deserve. A new life to bring all those past experiences into. Not hashing them out or anything, just learning who you are now. Who you will become with this freedom. You can be anyone you want to be. You have the strength and you are a smart and worthy of the life of peace you seek after. No limitations. No one to please or comply with. You have the best years of your life ahead of you. You have been given this chance. Take it with everything you have. You are worthy of it all.

Jump. Do not be limited.