I sit here on a Friday morning, going through my life papers. Papers, attributing to a description of what I have done with my life. Papers that fit in a box, two boxes. Of all that I have done in my life, a few papers are what is to show for it. I can only hope my words here have more of a lasting impact than the papers in those boxes. Months of my life dedicated to education, to learning more. Boxes of memories that have been long past proving what? That I lived a life? What do I have to show for it now?
A layer upon layer of who I am. Of all the experiences I have been through. I would toss them all aside for moments of happiness. Those events, those experiences, they made me who I am but they also captured me into a time line. A box, cornered and told how much I am worth by pieces of paper. Posts and timelines. The few wrinkles I have on my face are from years of just keeping quiet. Not ruffling any feathers. Going with the flow of what life threw at me. The years of just standing by and not really living my own life but living through the lives of the children I created. Today is different. I have had enough.
I am the culmination of all I have been through. I am strong and resiliant and ready to drop the guard and live my own damn life. I want to be able to explore and not have to justify anything that happens to me. I do not want to have to feel like I am being watched by anyone. I want to be able to speak my mind as it should be. I want to just sit by and observe if I chose to do so. I do not have to fight or claw my way out of anything in my life. I do not want to be that person anymore. I do not have to prove to anyone my worth. I am who I am. Those that chose to live life with me, well, they will. They will make the time to be with me. And if they do not, that is them, not me.
A few more days of being away from working and the mind takes over. Using my time the best way I can to be the best I can. To represent the best me that I can be. If not now, when? I will rise above this time. I will rise above what others have expected of me. I will be all that I am meant to be. And I will begin to be her today. I will begin to be who I am meant to be. With no apology. I will not hide in shame or guilt or anything anymore. It does not match my energy and I will not allow it in my life. I am beyond that. I am beyond her. Today is a new day.
Those that have been touched by my life have been blessed. I know this first hand and full well. I am beyond the best friend. I have been loyal til it hurts to those that certainly did not deserve it. I am not her anymore. I will love on those that want me and want to be with me. I will not settle for less. I will be all that I can be in this moment. I will experience in this moment. I will be in this moment. I can not be anywhere else. I will rise above it all and I will be all that I am meant to be. More is coming for me and I am grateful to see what and when that will happen. My past has made many lasting impact on who I am now. But it will not be who I continue to be. I am more. I have more coming to me. My lessons have been learned and I am on my way to being all that I am meant to be. I am not afraid. I embrace the good in what comes. I will roll with the bad. I will not be afraid anymore.
Quiet Intensity 