It is a Wednesday and I am the coffee shop. I have spent the last few hours working on math. The dreaded statistics class. I am glad I got as far as I could. This past weekend I explored some things on my own. I went to a play and I went to a poetry workshop. As I sit here, I see my reflection of my necklace and it says the Ho’oponono saying on it. I am very proud of where I am in my life.
I am here and I am working on me. I am unapologetic about who I am and where I may be going. I am beautiful and complete just as I am and I am moving into a place of healing and peace. I am very excited about this transition. I am working on my inner being and who I am at the core. It is ever changing and fun to be able to explore. I am enjoying the process of being who I am and discovering what I like.
The poetry workshop the other day opened me up to thinking about what I want to express and what I want to talk about. I am open to the thoughts of many things. I am open to expanding who I am and what I want to do in my life. I am open to writing about rituals, new rituals, even if they are really foreign to me. The fact that I have a lot to offer to those who care to listen is really exciting to me.
It is also very exciting to be on this journey with my daughter watching ever so closely. I have spent a lot more time with her lately and have been really enjoying our time together. I feel like I am able to drop some of my wall that was raised and can be unapologetically me with her. I do not need to hide who I am or who I was. I did the best I could raising her and I am careful about not dumping anything on her that she does not need or I do not need to tell her.
It is a journey this life. It is getting lighter and lighter. I am letting go of a lot. A lot that I hung onto for many years. I am done holding all of it. I have worked myself up over so many things. I have worked myself into so many depressive thoughts and actions. Ways to put myself down and ways to feel sorry for myself. I am over it all. I can not live there anymore. I will not live there anymore. The people that I did worry about do not give a shit about me or anything I am doing. I am done worrying about what is not meant to be for me. I am working on my inner voice, my inner child and all things that are all about healing and moving on in my life. I will be healed of many things. I will restore order and sanity to my family.
I will be blunt and stand firm on who I am and what I want. I will not be swayed by anything other than what is best for me and my life. I am very excited to see what will be and what will happen because of all the things I am placing down and moving forward from in my life. I am excited to see what comes from the place inside me that has room and space for so much. The place that was shut down for many years. What if I am a poet? What if I have a gift that I have not yet discovered?
Things are changing in my life. They are getting simpler and easier. Things seem to be that way when you just let go. When you let go of the white knuckle mentality and grip of what you never could control. You tried for many years but it did not work out that way. I did not work out the way you thought it would. Instead of thinking that it remain the same, it did not, it got better. It was rough but you overcame and it will be okay. You got through and will continue to get through it. It will all work out for the best and it already has shown so much. You have grown so much in this time. You are nearing a really real birthday, a sign of a huge right of passage. There is not going back or reverting to what was. You are on your way and you are doing great.
Your inner child is being heard and understood by you. You are paying attention to what is in front of you. Not behind you or on the side of you. You get to chose who you will be. What you will be. Where you will spend your time. Who you get to spend your time with. You get to choose what you will do in each step of your life. You are doing the best you can and you are pretty amazing. You have done a lot with the things you have been dealt with in life.
You have not only stepped into the unknown but beyond that to be all the weird you can be. Your weird is unique to you. Your willingness to laugh and dance in the face of being under pressure to comply is trivial and light and should be admired. You have every right to be less than who you are. You have lived on being so much less than what you really are. You are growing and achieving great things and should be very proud of yourself. You have done that. No one else. You did not earn or work for it. No one handed it to you. You grew. You grew with what you had and you continue to grow and will thrive as you near this next era of your life. You have few days still in this number. It is just a number. But look at you doing what you want and where you want to be. You are on your way to where you will continue to be and be the fullest healthiest, freeist version of you that you were always meant to be.
Freedom, it is what your inner child needs. It is what the inner child deserves. You will be all the things. The things you do not even know about yet, you will become. You will figure out the things that make you happy. That make you dance in the store. The you that will try new kinds of food and be happy. The you that will bring about more freedom in others and in your own life. The freedom the women and men in your ancestry deserve. The hope and dreams will live through me. They will be free and light and fun. There will be great reserve for you to be all you can be. There will be great healing for you and for all that comes after you as well. You will bring complete healing to your family. You were chosen to be the one in your family to break the cycles. The cycles of so many things that you will stand and be firm in who you are and what your family represents. You will stand tall because you can. And you will stand strong because you are all the things the women that went before you. Your smile will be carried on through the grandmothers that you look like. You will carry on many things in your life. You will be the generation breaker.
Stand firm on what you think and who you are. You have been created for many things and many explorations. You will be all that you were meant to be. You have been created in a unique way. You carry a lot of what was and what was meant to be. You will fulfill a lot of dreams of those that did go before you. You will be all that you have been destined to become. You have the responsibility of shining right through all the things that you have been through. All that the women before you struggled with, you will overcome. You will be all that you are meant to be. The women, your grandmother prayed for you. She prayed for you to be more. You are more than what you ever thought you would be. You are more than everything and everyone that went before you. You have brought that to yourself. You have worked on yourself and have been healing parts of the small pieces that have plaqued many before you.
You should be very proud of who you are. Look at you going on 3 years of being seperated and divorced from someone who tried to take you down. He did not win. He will never win. You shone right thought all of it. You took the time to be all that you can be. You have risen above and will continue to rise above it all. Maybe take the time today to skate. Or sing and dance in the car. Do what makes your own heart happy. Do not apologize for anything anymore. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. You have risen above it all. You have accomplished much in your life and you have time to continue to grow and be all that you can be. The world needs you. The world needs your story. You have value and importance to all that you meet and come across. You will be more and your will continue to grow in figuring out who you are.
Quiet Intensity 