It is Saturday morning and I am awake and sipping on a hot cup of coffee. I am grateful to have the place I am at. I am grateful for a nice neighbor that wants to share things in his life with me. I am grateful for my daughter who wants to spend time with me. I am grateful for a teacher who wants to see me and know what I am doing in my life. I am thinking about people who are making time for me. They make time for me. I do not come across as a last ditch effort or last minute plan to fill in thier time. I am important to a handful of people.
Others, not so much. The father who says he will not travel to see you anymore, but willingly goes to see two of your other siblings. He will not make time for me. He didn’t when I needed him. Any time I needed him. He is who he is. I have given him too much access to my life. He has not earned it. He is just like all the rest that want to be around when things are good but God forbid he steps in when things are hard. It does not seem fair or right. But I am not begging anymore. I am not begging anyone anymore.
I will make time for those that give a shit about my life. I will not harbor anyone in my home that brings any negative energy. It will not be welcomed here anymore. I will not entertain someone who just wants to trauma dump on me. I will not do it. I will not make time for someone, anyone who does not value my time. I will press on and be with those that give a shit.
Life has a funny and interesting way of wrapping things around full circle. I gave all I had to my children, I do not regret and I have written many times before. But things now are different. Things have changed. I have things I need to do but many of them can just be thrown out the window. I need to get a job that will provide a life for me. That will provide health insurance and the things that I so need in my life. No person can do that for me. I have to lean in and make the time to apply to the places and the jobs that I know I would do well in. And they are out there. I am important to someone. If only, right now, I can think of my dog. For his walks, for his food, for his life.
Years ago, in the mess of my life, I wished for simpler things. Simpler times. I wished for the time to clear my brain of my trauma as a child. Still I regress, I have come a long way. I have healed a lot. Even as I sit here this morning, the healing continues. I will be healed from the things that tried to take me out. I will make time for those people who want to be in my life. I will be my best and understand my body more than any doctor or person can. I will do those things because it is time that I make time for me. To focus on what I need to do with my life. Not anyone else’s. These are the things that I have to figure out. I can explore and find things that are good and work for me. I can make the time for me to heal. To cry if I need to cry. To sit and be if I need to be. I will make the time. No one can take my time, unless I let them. No one.
Quiet Intensity 