Sometimes you meet people who will never ever thank you. They will continue to just take and take. I do not understand that. I would bend over backwards for others, but they won’t. It is mean and unnecessary. It is not human to not help someone else out. It just does not work that way in my world. Maybe my concept of how humans should be is wacked. There have been other things that have shown me that I do not think like others. I just can not be like them. I can not be ungrateful and not help. It is against everything in me. It is not people pleasing, it is not wanting people to like me. Or is it? I do not want anyone to ever feel alone.
But here I am, feeling beyond alone. I have chosen really shitty people to try to be friends with. I can not chose my family and after last week, they have chosen what is right for them. I am not part of it. I am not part of anything. I have no place. I will never belong or fit in. I am my own island. I keep extending out to others and they are slapping my hand away. I will just stop. Sit in my own place for some time. I do not need to talk. No one wants to hear what I have to say anyways I will write here. I will make it my place to talk. To vent. To whatever. Somewhere in some time frame someone who needs to know they are not alone will read my thoughts and in that moment will not feel so alone. That is my sincere hope.
Last week was me trying to figure out where my place is in my new job. I spent four days organizing a room that was a mess. It will be a mess again. I can guarantee that. I can only hope it helps one teacher there. I am done with it. I have paid for it this week. Director did not even come and check on me. She kept her distance, so did anyone else that should have and could have helped me. They were all too busy in thier own little world. No thank you, no good job. It is what it is. It is a job until I find one that I really like. I do not want to be in a classroom. I do not want to hurt my body anymore with children. I can not do it anymore. I have to be okay with being by myself.
I need to learn to just listen and have no say about stuff. It is not worth it anymore. It is not worth it anymore. Those that I will one day find will ask questions. They will ask about me. I do not need to volunteer and get disappointed anymore. I need to learn to just be quiet. No one wants to hear me. I get it. The right people will. I will find them eventually. In the meantime, I will sit in my emotions and sit with where I am in my life. I will be okay.
Quiet Intensity 