Table

When you are looking at the table that seats who you think should be there and it comes up empty. You realize that you need a new table. A table with people at it that support you and come along side of you. My table is empty right now. Sometimes there is one of my children that comes along and sits down at it. It is nice to have company. But still, if your table is filled and overflowing with people, you are blessed. But there are others that have people who sit at the table and are just waiting to see you fall and fail. I have sat at that table for many years.

The table with people who share your blood. Connected by the blood of Jesus, some said. The table was fake, a mere facade of what it should have been. It was not the solid table it should have been. It never was. It is time to rebuild the table. It is time to remake the chairs or bench to suit how few or many will sit at the table. It is time for real people to sit at my table.

Today, my table on Easter, was empty. I left the home for a little while but spoke to no one. I can do that. I went to a store I needed something from, it was closed. Keeping me home and doing some much needed work from a source that I did not think would challenge me in this area. Emotions, forgiving yourself. It is there. It has been cried out, written out and yet, here I am again writing. Someone needs to know that it is okay to be alone.

People in your life will leave a mark, good or bad. We all make good and bad choices in our lives. I will not blame anyone anymore. I will let go of the expectation and hope of anyone ever coming for me. I had to go back and get my younger version today. I had to remind that little one that she would be okay. I had to remind her that she has a fight in her that no one else has. She will fight for herself and for those that she loves. But she will start with loving herself as she is. She is creating the new table. It is not ready yet. It is not ready for who is coming. It is still in the process of being placed together, one healing piece of wood at a time. It can sit one, her, now. That is all that can fit. Once she masters the chair, she will start to create the others, with what she has in mind. She will not chase down anyone anymore. She will sit quietly in her peace until led to pull the chair out for someone.

My table. It has been in the works for years. It has been needing to be rebuilt to conform to me for years. It was false and weak for many years. Not anymore. The best and strongest wood is arriving and will create the beautiful masterpiece of my life. It will be what I want it to be. It will be the shades I want it to be. It may be small, it may getting bigger. Whatever it is, it is mine. My life. My happiness. My energy and my soul will be in this table. You may not be invited to have a seat. I will be selective in who can take a seat. Prove you are loyal. Prove you are honest. Prove to me you are who you are and you will be invited. I will not stand for less than that anymore. I will not implore you to sit. I will be hesitant and careful. I owe myself that.

I am a beautiful, colorful soul that deserves all the best in the world. My simple sweet life brings so much peace and love. I love who I have become. I love that I went back to school and I am almost done. I am proud of myself for my accomplishments in life. I am proud that I worked through what I worked through with the simpleness of help and support. I am proud of doing the work for me. No one else did it. Not one has stood by it all. I do not need anyone to stand by. I can stand on my own two feet and have come to a place where my life can start. Not over or again, but just start. I am very proud to be where I am. I have my own place, something I never would have thought of a year ago. I have grown so much in the last year. I am so proud of where I have come from. Even two years ago, I have grown. Three years ago, I was moving into a new phase of my life. I never thought I would be here. I am very happy with who I have become. I am very proud of where I am going in my life. I will get that job that I really want. I will be who I want to be.

I will get to the position I want. My table may be small for now, that is okay. I am fully okay with that. Less to worry about or stress about. Less to try to hold on my shoulders and balance. I am proud of what I have become. I am proud of how I am to my dog and my responsibilities. I am proud that I held out for this job. I am proud that I finished my university work. I am proud that I have the little I have and am not a hoarder. I am more than well on my way and those things I can hold my head up high and know that my people are coming and I am doing damn well for myself. I am grateful to be able to feel and allow those feelings to come out.