Dreams

When I was a teenager I did not have dreams of what I wanted to be or what I wanted when I grew up. Here I am so many years later, wondering what my dreams for my life should be. I wanted to be a veternarian when I was little, but I am perfectly content having the responsibility of my one dog. I may get a fish, but we will see. Anyways, I think it is about time I think about what I want to do with the second half of my life.

I do not dream of staying in my hometown the rest of my life. If I go anywhere, it will probably be somewhere unknown to me. I have done this one other time in my life when I was 18 and had a new baby. I moved out of state. I never thought that I would move back. But I did. I do not remember being very scared about that move. With that being said, moving does not scare me anymore. I think not having a job and income scares me more. Not making enough at my jobs has put me into debt. Along with a few other poor choices.

One of my dreams is to be out of debt. This would be credit card loans and student loans. After seeing how long it will take me to pay off my student loan for my bachelor’s degree, I do not think it would be worth while to get my masters. And what would it be for? I do not even know at this point. I want to pay it all off. It was all paid off just a few short years ago. But life happened. Decisions had to be made.

I pick up this blog a little while later, a few weeks to think and marinate about what dreams are really are. Everyone has them. Society tells us what they should be. But when you look at your own heart and learn what you love and what makes you happy. I enjoy conversations with people who genuinely listen. Those are my dreams, to have people like that in my life. It does not have to be for long periods of time. It could be as easily as just being able to be heard when you talk to a stranger on neighborhood walk with your dog. Others want to be heard as well. This is a human need. One I am discovering more and more as I get older. I like having those short but life changing perspective talks when I am out and about. I feel like I am more heard by these strangers than those that are supposedly “close” to me.

Real relationships. Real time going and discovering life. Real laughter. Real hugs, real long eye contact. It is what I desire. It is the type of life I want. I do not have to be anything or anyone to anyone anymore. I have put my dues in for this lifetime of what people think I should be or who I should be. I am over it. I appreciate those that just listened. I appreciate being able to be that to someone else who thinks that way of me. Things in my life are changing. What I have known as a career is changing and I am excited and a little scared about it. But that is how change works. It is a leap of faith. A real leap of faith, moving from a comfortable place and jumping head first into something unknown and undiscovered. I will not be that person who thinks that something forced upon me is a leap of faith. That is just bullshit. That is not faith, or leaping or anything. That is people pleasing. Something I will not do anymore.

I digress, I have opinions about things others do. Doesn’t everyone? I can not change anything about anyone else. I can only change what I will do about it. I am in charge of me, my decisions, what I will and will not tolerate. I will not ask anymore. I will not push myself on anyone. Not even a thank you. Fuck off. It is what it is. Take and take. I will stop giving, it is my choice.

My dreams are to be free. Free. Simple.

A dream is also to live a very simple life. I want the less in more. I am trying my best to set up my environment to reflect the things that are important to me. To me. Well, to me and my dog, but he gets me and would be happy with the simpleness of just being able to lay next to me at night. He is excited about when I come home, which I love. I love knowing someone is waiting for me. Someone is happy to see me. Someone who smiles when they see me. Someone who adds to my life. Anyone who adds to my life. I do not have to always have something to say, but even in the silence, it is nice to be seen and heard. I am grateful.