Freedom

This past week I have been getting over being sick. This is what I have learned about that experience. People come and go in your life. I have learned this very well in the past few years. But this past week, I saw who showed up for me. Someone from a past relationship. Someone that I would not have expected to show up for me. But they did. Also someone who other, “friends,” had something to say about. In fairness, I spoke about this friend and the others had their opinion. But when it came down to it. He was there for me.

So since feeling better, I have realized that my friendships are not what I deserve or think they should be. I need the friend who brings me soup when I am sick. Who actually comes and checks on me. Who is not afraid of getting sick themselves and is genuinely concerned about me.

So this freedom of doing whatever the hell I want and being whoever the hell I want has got me. I like being able to drive to see whoever and stay wherever without judgement. I like the freedom of not having to explain myself to anyone. I lived in trying to explain my life away for many years. Having to apologize for someone else’s behavior. Having to explain why my children were a certain way or my significant other was a certain way. I am over it. I do not need to base my decisions or what I talk about on anything. I can do what I please. I have this little dog I have responsibility for, but other than that. I will start to live my own fucking life.

I was recently in my car driving to find my bank in my new area and I passed by several roads that were familiar to me. I lived not far from this area many, many years ago. Before I had children, before I was a mom. As I drove past these familiar names of streets, I thought, I have been given a chance to start again. A chance to pick up where I left off before I became a mom and all that went along with that. This time, I do not have the responsibility of a child. Making decisions based on what my child may or may not need. I have a chance to start again, bring in my past experiences and be who I was intended to be before being a mom. Please hear me. I do not regret being a mom. But I was young. Becoming a mom saved my life. But now I have been given this gift.

The gift of beginning again. I love this neighborhood. I love the people I meet here. They are kind and gentle and friendly. They do not have tons of money and they do not have the fancy cars. I can walk down my street at night and be confident knowing that I will be safe and okay. I can walk up the steps of my home and know that I am safe in my apartment complex. I found that. I made this my home. I am independent and I will be okay. I will be more than okay. It is my time to live and create a life. I do not know what it will look like but that is alright. I can create it to be whatever I want it to be. I can choose who I will allow in and at what capacity.

I can do that. I can create. I am not responsible for anything other than me and what surrounds me at this time. I will step into the new job and new life and be all I can be. I will do that. I can do that. I will step into the next chapter with freedom and confidence. I will because I can and I deserve that. I have lived so much of my life for others. I will not step into that role anymore. I will be my best for those who will come and bring me the damn soup. Who fill my soul with their belief in me and their time. Who create time with me and want to be in my presence. I will be there for those that show that to me. But right now, well, it is limited. Their decisions are making it that way. I will not bend over backwards for anyone in that capacity anymore. It does not fill my soul or my life with any joy or good energy.

I will not blame them or expect them to be anything but who they are. I will not be what I am not and I will not absorb negative energy anymore. I will not. Not because I am a heartless bitch, but because they have proven what their character is. Plain and simple. I will press in, knowing my people are coming and some have already arrived. I will be patient while I know my God is sorting all that out. I will not be pressed as I know He is sorting all that out. I will enjoy the steps into my freedom this day. I will be the best I can be because I deserve that.