Expectations

It is almost 4 am and I am awake. I have been up for a few hours. I am sick and dealing with a cold and stuff. I have been thinking about the role of expectations of others in my life. I am to the point where I need to expect nothing from anyone anymore. I also have to realize that some people will only ever take from my life. After years of giving to others, I sit here, sick with no one that will reach out to see if I am okay. It is exhausting.

I know my people are out there somewhere. I know that life has to be filled with the people that will actually give a shit about me. They are out there. When I give up all hope in that, I have failed at this life. I beleive people can be good. Even though I have met some really bad people.

There is much freedom in being alone. But there is this extreme lonliness as well. I was alone for most of my marriage but was under the umbrella of a marriage. He did not care about where I was or who my friends were. He did not care about my feeling of being alone. I digress.

The expectations of others, well, it’s been a challenge. No one is coming. No one is expected. The sooner I realize these things the better. I am my own person. I need to find the people I can trust. It will take time. I have really been hurt by a lot of people. A lot of people. I am dealing with depression. It is looking at my square in the face and asking me what I am going to do about it. Start with taking care of yourself. I have been not working for almost a month and I am no where near where I should be as far as a job. I need to strengthen my own body. I need to build myself back up and have the confidence I used to have. Or did I ever have that?

What do you do when you do not have the family or support system that most people have? I guess you have to figure it out. You have to stand up and stand in your own strength to get through it. You reach out to those you know have helped you in the past and get the help that you need. You figure it out. You drop those that will not or do not purposely help you. You can not keep giving to others and not get anything back. You release the friendships that are selfish and start to become very protective of your time and energy. That friendship drains you. You are not the same. May I remind you that you have been through worse things. You have pulled yourself and at times, your children, out of worse pits.

You are more than this. So this has really tripped you up. You have not failed. You have seen clearly how things are. What are you doing to do about it? Will it define you? Will you let it? Will you live in shame and guilt over it? This is beyond you, Heidi. You are so much more. So she let you down. Big deal. She has before. Give her less of you and your energy. Keep that energy for yourself and what you need to focus on. Keep that energy for what really matters in your life. Redefining who you are and what you need to do to survive. You are more than this. You have not let anyone down. This is your time to renew yourself and start over. Some may not be traveling this road with you. And some may not even be in your boat. It is not up to them. It is up to you.

Drop the expectation of anyone. It is not their job to help you. It is not a competition in life. I am not competing with you anymore. I will not. I am my own person and I will be okay. I do not need anyone to succeed. I can do this on my own. It is a scary and humbling place to be. One day at a time.