Another video watched on betrayal trauma. The man on the other end of the screen brings up yet another term of what I went through with a husband who is addicted to porn. I get it, he was not there for me. In any way. He may have never loved me. He exposed my own children to his porn. He is mentally unstable. The list goes on and on. And then the list of what I am going to have to deal with. Brain connections, trauma….
I have had enough. I do not want to fully understand how many ways his decisions affected my brain. I am not unstable because of it. Did I get out of it with no trauma, absolutely not. But I refuse to spend the rest of my life just trying to cope or recovery from what he did. Seems to be, that gives him back the power and I do not think that is healthy. So what is too deep to dig into your soul and try to heal?
When do you draw the line and just say, fuck this, fuck him! Fuck what he did and move the fuck on! I refuse to live there “trying” to heal. It has already consumed too much of my brain space. If you keep talking about it, does it ever really go away? Do you just sit in a puddle of woe is me and keep continuing to cover yourself in the water of your guilt and shame? When is it time to get off your ass, ditch the victim role and move the fuck on? I am there. I am tired of hearing about how damaged I must be because of xy and z. I am tired of living there. I made mistakes, so did others. I am not my mistakes.
I have this big beautiful life ahead of me and I want to live it. I want to laugh and love and not hold back. I have people who care about me and want to be with me. I am grateful. Those very things that were supposed to take me out of this world, well, they make me who I am. I am a little guarded and will remain that way. There is nothing wrong with that. There is no healing that needs to take place to not be guarded. I am who I am because of blank, blank, and blank. You can not take those experiences from me. You can not change those experiences. I can use those experiences to make me wiser, stronger, and a better person. I will not stew in the what could have been.
I think there is a lot of to be said to get to the root of your issues. I get that. But I also feel like once you get to the root, even if it is just to get to a point of well that sucked. I think you need to move on. I do not think you should just keep on digging. There is much to be said about complete healing. But I think that no person can ever be completely healed. As humans, we never stop living. So as long as you are living and breathing, you can feel and think. Therefore, your healing will be as constant as the flow of a river. Ever changing and never stopping. I am on a journey, just like you. But what would you find if you keep digging? I do not think it would end. And then you put labels on yourself and realize that you are so fucked up with everything life has thrown at you that you have no hope of ever being sane. I do not want to live there. It is not worth it to me. It is not worth more time of my life. I will stop digging. I just can not anymore. I will deal with what I need to as it comes. I am open to change. But I will not sit in the muck of “crap that happened to me.” Life is too damn short.
Quiet Intensity 