Healing

Last weekend I spent some time with my brother. It was his birthday. I have not seen him in months. This is the type of relationship we have. Well, for now. I spent time talking to his wife, who I seemed to grow up with. We spent time being new moms together when these grownups we call our children were very little.

It was a time of healing, not only for my brother and I, but also for our family. Mourning the loss of our mom. Talking about the decline of our dad. We share these parents. They were different to both of us, but they were the same as the same two people who tried their best to raise us. He endured the wrath of a mom who decided to inflict that on him. She decided to just dismiss me. Mental health issues ran deep with her. I can clearly see that now, if I had not been able to before. Just interesting to get a different perspective on who she was to him. She was different with me.

I walked away after 1am, feeling for the first time like I connected with my brother. What is this like? I have thought a lot about all the things we talked about. How I was able to look at him in the eyes and encourage him to really talk to her our dad about how he feels and what he thinks. Over and over again, he would say, “you said that to dad?” Yes. I can not live without telling our dad what crap it was that he left and how that hurt. I am doing no one good by trying to cover it up. It is your time for healing big brother. Time is limited. I am tired of keeping quiet about it all. I will not keep quiet about it all. I let him and his wife know that I know I can be a bitch and have been a hypocrite and that was not okay.

It was where I was at the time. It was where I was at that time in my life. I still live with a lot of insecurity about a lot of things. But who I am and what mistakes I made can only be forgiven if I confess to them and apologize. Standing and facing what I left. I can only take accounability for me. I can not think or expect anyone else, including my brother, to apologize for anything. I am not a mind reader and I will not continue in the weird cycle of who we have been to each other.

My sister in law told me that we need each other. We need to be there for each other. Not the first time she has told me that. I have thought about that a lot since she said it. I have never been able to count on my brothers or my parents for anything. My sister in law looked at me at one point and asked me if I have ever asked my dad for help. I said, “yes, I have let him know I am struggling.” He has not nor do I even think he will help me at this point. It is too late. And he will not help me. The look on her face when I told them that he would not help me. I will not forget that look. 

Reality of my life being what it is. Will the second half of my life have a brother who will have my back? I do not know. I sat in thinking about what it would look like for me to have someone who has my back. I have my daughter. I am grateful. But to not ever have a dad you can count on. What a long life to live without that security in your life. I wrote my mom off years ago. Just like she wrote me off. I have never had anyone who I can really count on. My daughter stepped it up when I needed her a few years back. She would step in and step up for me. There is something very hopeful in thinking that I could possibly be in a place where I can say I know my brother has my back.

My brother mentioned that he was always there for our younger brother. He said he remembers having to defend the little brother against the middle brother. Why was I forgotten? Did he not realize I needed to be protected too? Could he have stood up against the one person that brought so much hurt to me? A dad who gave up on me, a mom who physically came at me and harmed me. I was not important enough, he did not form that bond with me. I was different, I was a girl. There was no naturally instinct to take care of me. It was what it was. He was too consumed in defending the universe against the middle brother. The golden boy, he got the love of both our mom and dad. Felt sorry for him because he was the youngest boy. Who knows their reasonings. The fact remains. Feelings were hurt. I have lived my life not feeling like anyone had my back.

As this adult that I am now, I can not rely on anyone. My daughter gets me. I am grateful. I will shine as best as I can for her. As she shines so brightly for me. She came right through me. She shines right through. I am so incredibly grateful for her. I am so incredibly grateful.

I look forward to what will happen with me and my brother. I look forward to taking each encounter as it is. I was there for him when our mom died. He was hurt deeply by our other brother. I will continue to stand by him. I do not expect anything. I can only hope for the best. Things will work out as they should with him. I will continue to press in and make the effort. I have no one to hide behind anymore. I can only be who I am. I am worth the effort and he is worth my effort. Our blood runs through each other. He came from the same people I did. We have different stories but we have similiar roots. Maybe just maybe we will be the cycle breakers and learn how to be there for each other. I am hopeful.