So yesterday it happened. A meeting with a boss. An emotional reaction. Advocating for children that I have been in charge of and observing for months. Shot down with her authority. Shot down with her “knowledge of this age.” You do not know these children. You do not know my limitations. You do not know. I left. I left to cry. I left with a hobble out to the only safe place I knew on campus. It was not safe enough.
Suspended a day without pay. Do not care about the pay. Today would have been the last day for two of my students. Two of my students that I have invested so much of my own time into. So much of my energy into. She took that goodbye away from me. She had the authority and knew that she would hurt me by doing it. She took the opportunity to hurt me where she knew she could. Pastor’s wife, vengeful. She is who she is. Sad to say I have had affliliation with her for the past few months.
Doctor’s note excused medically for a few short days. Suspension still stands. This job is history. I will go back on Friday and collect my things and give my resignation. I wish I could just be numb for when things hurt me. I wish I could just go on with my day to life and not feel real big feelings about things. Things, little people who are in my care. Their emotions, their feelings, their value. I am responsible for them. I am responsible to advocate for them. Even at the cost of my own feelings. And that is exactly what has happened. My feelings, my convictions have gotten me here. Feeling too much. Being too much. Being more than human. If only, if only someone fought for me like I fight for these children.
That is what it comes down to. Being a voice. Being the voice of what I wish someone told me. I wish someone told me it was all going to be okay. I wish someone had told me that they were happy to see me. That they were grateful for my presence. Most hear that from their parents. I did not. I still do not. A childhood feeling like that lost little girl that no one wanted. Left at home and forgotten probably more than once. Being told I was not wanted by the woman who gave me life. You do not just heal from that neglect. Move into a marriage with the same. Not wanted.
All of me wants to beleive that these are all steps to get to where I need to be. These are all steps to get to that place. It is like I am being refined in the fire. I will not need to explain to the right place why I need to be there. It will just be. There will be a peace and I will know it. All just stepping stones of what I will be and who I will be there for. The children that really need me. The children that really need the advocate for thier little lives. Even if it is just one. I advocated for my little guy where I was. There is an understanding of who he is and what he is coming from. No one else would speak up for him. But I did. I have peace about doing that even though I will not be able to see it through. I did speak up for him. I have held it in for months. This was not helpful to him. She thought she knew him and his story. She did not see what I saw. I advocated for him. My assistant would not have done it, this I am sure. She would not question who she thinks is the expert. Can not fault her, she has not the confidence and knowledge I have.
One child, that is what I have to hold onto. My time at that school was not in vain. I spoke up for that one child. I spoke up for the other child who has now grown into full understandable sentences. Changes, I get to see and hang onto. Changes I have to hold onto as it means I made a small difference for these two children. These two. There are more. But it is what I have to hang onto as it will keep me from giving up. I advocated for them. No one else was. I spoke up for them. No one else was. They lumped them in a category and not as an very individual child with individual needs. I saw through it. I should be really proud of myself for being this to the child. They may never know. They won’t remember me. But I will always remember I stood my ground for them. It is all I know. Advocate. I did that. No one else did. I will not be ashamed of being that person. That person that questions. That advocates. I will never be one to go with the flow. I will question. I will question. I will lose my job over it as it all comes back to what is best for that child.
It is never about what is best for me. I was given this fiesty voice that can speak up for a child. A voice I wish was heard by those that helped me along my process. I was not alone. I had a teacher who spoke truth over me and encouraged me to be a writer. Her words got me through then and get me through now. A teacher who listened to me during my lunch breaks as the other children did not have a home life like mine. I want to be that person. I want to really listen and hear others. I want to continue to be an advocate for those that need it. I am grateful for those that were placed in my life to make sure I kept on living. That gave me a hope when I had nothing to offer. Nothing to be. I have to be that for others. I have to be that for the littlest who have no voice. I was that for two or more of my students. I should be really proud. Still leaves me really sad as I have to leave them. But I trust that because of my words, they are on a better path.
That child that looks up to me and smiles because they are happy to see me. Nothing beats that feeling of knowing a child sees you. Not only sees you but is grateful to see you. I am not seen in my world. I am only seen in a child’s world. When I say to a child that I am grateful they are in my class, my heart means it from all that I am. When I tell a child that I love them, I mean it. It is not flowers and stuff. I do really love these children. Having to move on from them hurts. But I know they are in a good place and I can only hope that my impact on thier lives was what they needed. I have to have peace about that. I have to have peace about it as it is the only way I will be able to move forward. It is the only way I can look forward and see that there are other children that need me. I have taken my time at where I am and have advocated for who I need to advocate for. I can not undo that. I can also not be anymore to where I am at. I am not wanted or needed there. There is no more advocacy that needs to take place. My time is over there.
Pressing forward, I will find the next place that needs me. I will see that child and children that need my perspective. My thoughts, my insights, my love. I will be who I need to be for them. It is all about them anyways. I will finish my degree and I will advocate and I know where I am headed. I just have to take the steps necessary to get there. Even when I do not know the steps.
Quiet Intensity 