I sit in the library, a library I have been to once, maybe twice over the last 20ish years. My son sang out of the front of this library when he was four years old when this place opened. I did laundry not far from here at a laundry mat and decided I would come here to sit in a comfortable chair and get some things done. My head is hurting quite a bit and I do not know how long I will be able to sit here. It is the burning feeling all over, which is less than ideal.
I have had two first dates this past week. Both men have asked about sexual stuff since then. I do not know what to think about that at all. I am very private and have learned that I am very naive as well. I thought a certain way for a long period of time and now I have to figure out how to think differently, or at least open my mind up to this weird world I now live in. I do not want to be taken advantage of. I do not want to seem easy. But I also do not want to be engaged in things I am not completely comfortable with.
I am not in the safe place of marriage anymore. People can do whatever they want and have. I am not in that place. I will have to relearn how to trust and how far to trust someone. I can not assume anything about anyone I am dating until I can learn who they are and trust them. I just can not do that to myself anymore. I need to learn how to trust myself. But I also need to let go of control. I do not need to feel like I have to do anything. I also need to learn that things are allowed to be fun. Just because they were not in my marriage, does not mean they can not be in moving forward in my life. I have standards. I want someone to have a job. I want someone to have a car. Shit, if I am honest, I want someone who has all their teeth. It is not too much to ask for. I think about how I would feel if I date someone with children, like little children. I would have to vie for their attention.
I do not want to do that. I want to feel like the most important person to someone. But I also realize that the most important person I could be there for is myself. I need to be my own best friend. I need to find the solice I need in being by myself and being okay with down time and alone time. Having my own place helps with that as I do not feel like I have to escape my own place. I can be there and be okay with music being on. I can take the time I need to recover from all that I have been through in my life. As I sit here in the library right now, I think about how I could be home in bed, warm and relaxing. I do not need to do anything else today but just be still. My back and hip are hurting pretty bad. I have a few things I still need to go and look into today. Mainly the chair thing. I hope I can find one today as it is needed. Once that is done, I can breathe a little bit.
Breathe in my own place. Go sit at a coffee shop close to where I live on Saturday mornings and Sunday mornings if I wish to. Live a relaxed chill life. I am grateful. my body is not in fight or flight mode anymore. I do not live with the uncertainty of what I will walk into when I walk into my home. I will not have to sit in my car at the beach or the bay and think about the schedule of the person who I live with and the best way I can avoid them. I do not have that life anymore. The most I have to be concerned about is where to park. And even that does not really matter anymore. I am grateful for all I have. I am grateful that I can respond to someone that I do not have any plans for the weekend. I do not have to make anything up to feel or seem busy. I am not. My weekends are for me to enjoy and be able to regroup where and what I need to be for the week that comes ahead. It is where i need to be. The rest of this day will be mine. In every word of that is true. The rest of the day will be mine. I will find a chair that I can use today. I will find it and attaing it. I will be able to carry it and I will be great. I will find things that will make me happy and live my life simply.
Quiet Intensity 