Grief

People say that you have to go through the process of grief to fully get through the healing process. I can see how that would be true. You have to grieve the loss of the life you thought you would have. The grief of how you were treated and what you tolerated. The grief of a marriage that was not what you would thought it would be. The life that was not what you thought it would be. I think these things are true.

As I look back on my life there are many things to grieve about. The grief of not having a mother in my life like I needed, much less deserved. The grief of never feeling like I was enough for her. Only to it be validated by her hanging up on me and not speaking to me for 19 years. Seeing her and approaching her out in public and being completely ignored like I did not exist. Never good enough for that woman who did not see my worth or value. One person’s opinion of me. A person who did not love herself. Who married a man who hit on her grandchildren and tried to touch other female family members. I can only imagine what life must have been like to her. Behind her closed doors. In her misery. Secrets and shame have a way of hiding. They have a way of growing ever so big when fueled by guilt. These things happen to all of us. Sadly, it happened to my mother. She tried to make up for it by working with the homeless. Must have made her feel better about how she made her own daughter homeless at the age of sixteen. Still, we all make choices in life and we all have to live with them.

I do not necessarily beleive in karma. But maybe part of me does. My mother gave out a lot of evil to me. She never experienced the love between a daughter and mother with me. She may have experienced it in her own way with her mom. I will never know. All I know is that I am left here on earth after she has passed, wondering who she was and why I was never good enough. Shame creeps in again, as I am sure it did with her. Shame of not being a good mom. Shame of hitting her child. Cornering her in her bedroom and hitting her, thinking that would be the way to establish control over her. Knowing full well that what she was doing was wrong. But not knowing or understanding there were other methods. Other ways to parent a child who needed both her parents and needed some love and guidance. Still she did the best she could. She had not taken any child development classes and did not know any better. You can not blame or fault the ignorant. She made these choices. She had to live the life she lived. She had to live without her daughter in her life. Not knowing I existed to those she saw regularly.

We all make choices. I can not bring her back. I can not take back the years now. I can grieve and move on. Grateful she gave me life and gave me a sense of who I am based on who she was to me. I loved on my children probably a little too much because of her. I lived my life for them. I learned from her all that I could. Good and bad from her. It has made me who I am. I will never be able to undo anything about my relationship with her. But I have a quiet reserve on the peace that I did learn from her and that is all I can ever hope for in my own life. I have grieved the loss of the mother I was gifted in this life. Good and bad. I can not undo. I can only move on and press on in my life for better. Better for me.