I was on my long walk this morning with my dog. I saw milkweed and lavendar planted at several different houses. If I could have just sat down and cried, I would have. I had a huge lavendar plant outside my bedroom in the last house I lived in as a married woman. I also had a garden that I planted of milkweed, spring would come and I would sit and watch the Monarch butterflies.
As I sit in the emotions of this and this morning. I think about how sad that I was in a marriage that was so wrong on so many levels. To be treated like I was nothing. To not have someone just join you to watch the butterflies in your backyard. He would not have anything to do with what made me happy. I clearly see that now. It was all about him and his needs and wants. I saw it at the beginning, thought like any young desperate woman that I could change him. Hope in it all, left many years ago. Still I hung on and did what I needed to do.
I am grateful I planted my butterfly garden. I am grateful I planted the many gardens over the years with the children. That is a love for nature that can not be undone. It can not be taken away from the children I was with. They appreciated it and so did their parents. Exposure to nature. He would not even go for walks with me, enjoy nature. It just did not happen. Makes me sad that I lived that way for so many years. I know what it showed my own children. The boys do not have any respect for me. The girls wanted to have thier own respect and figured it out and saw it. They saw a mom who did whatever she could to keep the marriage together. It was never entact. I started running and that helped me find me. I was made fun of even in that. But of course it did not really happy that way.
I am grateful that I get to see these beautiful plants this day and every time I walk my dog and walk to my car. I am grateful for the people in thier homes that have decided to plant it. I do not know if I will ever have a home to plant my own garden. I do not know if that is in the plans for me. The way I feel today, I do not think I could upkeep it anyways. I can look from afar and have to be okay with that for this time. Lavendar has a calming smell, they say. I have never been able to smell it on the plant itself. I have a lot of space for plants in my home. But it is just more to take up space and the emptiness.
So many years of cluttered home because of ever growing children and thier things. I had things too, too many things. Too much to maintain. It overwhelmed me. I bought it to fill the void of love that was ever present in my life. If the house only looked a little different maybe he would have appreciated me. If only can overtake you. The truth is, he did not appreciate me or anything I touched. It was all about him. Always all about him. I had no place other than what he could gain by what I brought to the relationship and the prestige. Nothing changed. Nothing would fill the void he had.
I am tired, a tired I have never known before. It comes from moving around at night in pain. From hurting myself at my job and from the years of trauma coming back to kick my ass. An injection won’t do it. It won’t undo the years of abuse I got from the man I married and from the child I carried. The two most meaningful relationships in my life and they were both off. Way off. No respect. No love. Just need and want. Take and take. Disbelief. Disrespect. It went on too long.
All the fears I had that kept me from leaving have come around and hit me in the face. The fear of finding a place, two years and 7 moves later, I finally have a studio. I did not dream it would take this long or this would be my place. I am grateful even in the quirks of it all. I knew I would hit an issue with money as well. I have and I have struggled through. I have not been left on the streets. I have been gifted so much in the process. The everchanging health coverage has left this body riddled with so much pain. I have to give myself a chance. What I went through with that man was hell. Living in fear every day. Living in the knowledge that he did not love me. He did not care for me. Hell, he did not even like me. If I am honest. But how do you move on? I do not want to be back with him, but why does he have to have things so comfortable, when everything in my life has been yet to be determined?
It does not seem right. It definitely is not fair. He lives comfortably and then gets the gift of our son as well. Left state to get away from his dad. In realilty, he was told to get away from me. As I am not healthy. But the man with the porn addiction is healthy. Whatever. I can not change anyone’s mind at this point. I am beyond hurt that our son did this. But he has been influenced by many people and if that was not evident the last time I saw him, I do not know what other sign I need to see. He has made it clear that he wants to live with his blinders on. Maybe one day, he will see the truth in it all. But then again, maybe not. I can not control him or them anymore.
I can dream of having my own garden one day. And maybe I won’t. Maybe I will be able to just enjoy the yards of others as this body can not keep up a garden at this point in my life. I am grateful I can take care of my beautiful plants that I have in this place. Even though they are all in the kitchen. Still it is where they need to be to make them happy and grow. I am grateful.
Quiet Intensity 