Hello and good afternoon. It is a lazy Sunday afternoon and I am at a coffee like house and I sit and listen to the music playing. Very jazz and very mellow. I would like to think that this is how my life has merged into. Mellow. The craziness of the world and what I have been through sometimes can overwealm me. The thought this morning about being okay to be sad and sit in what I need to sit in. It is not a very fun place to have to sit in. But it is necesary for complete healing. Complete healing is what I want.
I want to be able to be at peace within myself. Will life ever be perfect? No, but I sincerely hope that I can get to a balance in my life where I feel at peace most of the time. I fight it and have for many years. I fight the lonliness and isolation. Even as I sit here in a very full coffee house. I sit alone. Surrounded by people. Greeted by a woman who works here that I have had a great conversation with in the past. I am grateful for her sweet welcoming smile. I am grateful to be seen by someone today.
I was asked earlier at the thrift store if blue was my favorite color. As I think about it, today it is blue. Today blue is my color. For all that it represents, the calm, the calm it brings. The meaning of the color, calm, serene. Today after sleeping in to at least 9am, I am grateful for the time to just be and be okay with who I am. I had a moment of going to the thrift store to find what I thought would be my new bag for myself. The purple one I saw just a few short days ago was gone. But in walked this blue one. Blue reminds me of nothing but peace. It matches my laptop and it brings calm. It does not remind me of any person like the purple one would have. It makes my sweet simple heart happy. It is blue and reminds me of one of my favorite places, the ocean. Also the sky. The universe brought it to me and I am grateful.
So back to this morning and all the self-help love. I need to spend more time outside of my studio. I am slowly making it my own by what I am bringing in and what I am using in the space. I will have peace and calm in it. I will have a santuary that I do not need to escape my life from. It will be just me and the dog that I love. It will be us. It will be everything I want it to be. It will be boho or whatever I think my style is. Nothing will come into the home unless I love it. Including people and energy. I will keep it what I want it to be. And it is an exciting journey to see what that will look like.
Second half of my life and I get to figure it all out. I get to see what I like and what is important to me. I am excited about the next stage of my life. I am looking and pressing in to see all that it will entail. It is me and the dog. It is us and we are good and we are going to be great. We finally have our own place, our own sense of belonging. We will make it our own. Colors but muted furniture. I can work with that. I will work with that.
As I sit here at the coffee shop, some man just sat next to me. Young, works out, can tell he has been here before. Offered to share my small table with him. It works out. I am trying my best to be social. People are not always evil or mean. People can be great. People, not all but some can be okay. This is a nice place to visit and be a part of. Maybe it is too much for me to hang out where my daughter works. But today, she is not here. She is not part of this place today. She is working on her and being who she is meant to be for today. Whatever that looks like for her. I am working on me. Working on the blog, documenting my thoughts.
There is great sadness in the life I have endured. But it is my choice on what I look forward to at this point. There is great sadness as to what I have needed to tolerate and I can only press on and realize that without this sadness, I would not be able to see the colors in the world that surrounds me. I would not be able to sit at a coffee shop on a Sunday and just be. I would not be where I am at all today. So tomorrow is back to work and that in itself makes me sad. But I know in looking forward that I will be alright. I will be better than alright. I will be happier than I have ever been in my life. Why? Because I deserve to be happy. I deserve to see what happiness looks like as I have already had my fair share of sadness. Sitting in the sadness does not overwealm me. Not getting complete healing overwealms me. Sitting in the sadness is okay for a time. But then, just like anything, you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. I fell hard. I fell into some serious mess, but I will get up and rise above it. Because I deserve it. I deserve to have the happiness that is just out there waiting for me. It is just waiting for me. It is right there. It seeks me.
Happiness has a way of looking for you. You have to look for it. In everything and in every little minute of every day. I will seek it. I have been seeking it beyond what is right now. Beyond what I see right now. It is there. It may even be sitting next to me. Who knows? I feel very secure about who I am and what I am about. I have had to defend many things in the last few weeks and I will continue to do so as long as I need to. My work is my work and it is part of who I am but it does not define my happiness. It will be all that I want it to be or it can be as little as I want it to be. I am secure in knowing that I will be alright. I will be who I meant to be and I will be good at wherever I am.
As I move into the next week, I will see what I will be up against. I will continue to look and look more at places to work. I will find my place of abundance. I will find my place that I will fit in. I will find the children and families that truly need me in their lives. There is nothing less than that as far as I am concerned. I will be profitable in my life. I will be all that I am meant to be. I will make a difference in the place I will be at. I will find where I am supposed to be. This season is just a jumping point to where I am supposed to be. I have found the place that will pay my bills for now. It does not bring me joy or happiness. I do not look forward to being there tomorrow. I do not look forward to the stress of getting things ready for the children that will be leaving. But it is what it is. I am who I am and I will be what I was meant to be. It will all be okay.
Quiet Intensity 