The term, “ton of bricks,” came to mind as I thought about a title for this mornings blog. I feel like I have been hit by just that. Healing is hard. Healing takes time. You just never know when and how it will hit you. Much like a ton of bricks. I feel like I have been run over this morning. At some point in my night last night I got up and took a handful of pain meds. I still wake up with this pain in my hip. I will go get the prescribed meds for this as soon as I can get up and move about.
I want to be done with my healing. I want to be done thinking about my past and all the crap that flows from it. Does anyone just walk away from their past? Does everyone do this hard work that no one can ever talk to you about? I do not want to read another damn book about how someone walked through thier journey. I want my pain of my journey to be gone. I want to somehow like who I see in the mirror and be proud of who I am. I have been through a lot. But then I have a trigger like yesterday and it all comes back. Well, it did not all come back. But I definitely have never dealt with my diagnosis like I did last night. I am grateful for all the feels. The tears make everything hurt more. But they are healing tears.
I want so much to be 100%. To feel 100%. I am not sure what that looks like now in this aging body or if it will ever happen. All I know is that there has to be a time that I feel better than I do right now. I can not continue to function the way that I have been with how I am feeling right now. I refuse to beleive that this is all life is meant to be. I am not afraid of being alone. Being alone does not have anything to do with my worth. I will be alright. I will learn to be in my present moment and not think of my past all the time. I will be okay with who I am becoming, starting today. I will invest the time in my healing. I know where I need to begin. I will not and refuse to feel like this forever. But these are my steps to healing. My steps to recovery. My steps to all of it. There is no one that will help me or guide me. I have to figure this out, my life out on my own. I do not have to think of anyone other than me and my dog. And thankfully, he does not need much from me. More adventures. More cuddles, more exploration. It is time for me to take back what has been mine all along. No excuses and no more lies about my past. I do not need to live the second half of my life with so much guilt and shame. Enough is enough!
Quiet Intensity 