It is early evening on a Wednesday. I am on break from my work until next Monday. I have had a lot of time to think and rest and recoup from the last few months. I was supposed to drive to another state during this time but my physical body made me stay put and rest. Forced to rest as the body just said, stop. Grateful for the body that I have and its limitations as if I had done the trip, I would not be in good shape, mentally or physically.
Alas, the reason for this post. Thinking a lot today about closing many things in my life. Closing the doors to the past. Getting texts from an ex and then a random text from someone looking for your ex. Not cool. Makes you really think about how life would be if you did just disappear. Just leave the people that were in your life, well, out of your life. Just move on. I will always be a mother of four children. But when three of your four children have decided to move on in thier lives, well there is only so much time you can just hang around and wait. Wait for the call, wait to be included. Fact is, you are not included. You will not be included, not because there is something wrong with you. Something is wrong with them, something is not healing right with them. Not everyone will always be in your life. Even if you gave birth to them.
I will continue my life. I will not wait around for anyone anymore. It may mean being alone for a time. But it will only be a time. I do not deserve to live in my past life anymore. I have paid enough for that life. I have given up and given away too much. I will no longer be that person. I can not be that person anymore. That person has been hurt too much. There is no room for being continued to be hurt by that person. Those people who hurt you, those people in the church. Guess who they do not think about? This lady. They never wanted to be there for you. They wanted the gossip and to extend their opinion but they were not meant to stay in your life. These people do not change. The denomination of their church does not make them any different. You learned your lesson hard. You went back to the very people that hurt you the first time around. Why did you think the second time around would be any different?
You had to learn, you had to see for yourself and extend grace to people who did not deserve it. Do not sit around and wait for them to change, in any capacity. They are not going to change. They sit on their high horse, in marriages that suck, they hide behind it all. The money, the prestige. All of it, they hide. They are not and will never be authentic. You will never feel like part of them. You are not like them. You will never be like them. You have been born to be more. More than anything they can ever offer you. They lost out on their own choices and decisions in their lives. They will continue living the life you were never meant to be part of. And that is okay.
Looking forward to a new year, filled with the best people yet. Had a great time with my daughter the other day. Moved into a different dimension of my relationship with her. An adult relationship and some reality of what really is. What it is like to be a woman with another woman. Chatting about dating with no real specifics, no mention of ex’s or past whatever. Just experience. Just sharing, just two women chatting about their lives and what they are learning about themselves. So grateful for her. So grateful to see what this new year grows our relationship into. I can count on her.
Another friend, another struggle. Being able to say I know how it feels and I have been there. Letting her know I am there for her and that I am human and mess up too. I am grateful to be able to tell her that I am glad she got help and that I am proud of her for reaching out for help. I want her to be brave. I want her to be whole, whatever that looks like. I want it for myself as well. Another relationship that will grow into something I probably can not even imagine. Another step and another way to trust another female. I will keep her close. Close enough that I live in the same complex as her. I will be here. I will be a safe place. I am a safe place.
I will be a safe place for myself. I will grow to love every part of this fabulous unique me. I am quiet but reserved. I do not have to the loudest or the funniest in the room. Those days are over. I can remain quiet and to myself. Live a life that only few are invited to. Not everyone is part of the party of my life. I have the option to make my life whatever I want it to be. I do not need to share who I date or what I do. No one has earned the right to the window of my life. If I want to go to the zoo on any given day at any time to reconnect my energy with the simpleness of animals. I will do it and not feel like anything other than someone that is free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I do not need an explanation or reason for anything I do. It is me and my 20 lbs dog and it is our life. Good and bad. He is all I owe an explanation to. And he will be part of more of my adventures, as we both deserve that.
Quiet Intensity 