Emotions

For some reason, I feel like I have written about emotions before, not sure if the title was the same though. So here I go. Last night was not a good sleeping night. I was woken several times by my dog leaning against my body and the pressure hurting me. The pain woke me up. I am off for a few weeks from work and need the rest, boy do I ever. But still, a night of not sleeping well does not go well for me. I am feeling like I want to cry. I want to lose this weight, I want to be full of energy so I can live my life. But then I have a night like last night, or the night before and I am sitting here wanting to cry but could not tell you what about.

So I walk the dog, a long walk for him and sunlight and fresh air for me. Each step hurts, my hip hurts. My heart hurts. Thinking about the men who have taken advantage of me and how I allowed it over the last year. Thinking about the current guy and how he deserves more than this shell of a human. I am hurt, my heart hurts. My mind hurts. Holidays over, thank God.

This holiday, Christmas, I went to the zoo and then to the sunset. Something very humbling about going to the zoo alone. No one to point out the animals to. No one to share a laugh when an animal does something funny or cute. Sitting literally on the back of the bus and watching. Watching animals. Watching people. Seeing families together for the holiday. Realizing how alone you really are in the middle of this sea of people. Embrace the aloneness. Oh I did. I embraced the aloneness. Thanksgiving I was home by 1 and took pain pills to help me actually sleep. Woke up to watch maybe a movie and then ate something simple for dinner. Next year will be different. Next year, will be different. I have to beleive that as it being like this year would really suck.

Exhusband has now texted me for Christmas and new years. I am not sure what that is about. The thought of him still just urks me. Why do I allow the games that he plays? Did I text back? No, I did not. Thought he was blocked but that did not happen. I am so tired of thinking about him, the texts does it. Reminds me of how he treated me. Reminds me of how I was allowing it. Emotions reek havoc on me today. I am all over the place. Still feel like writing is a good place to get it out. Still feel like crying.

Will take my bike and ride it down at this park and see how that goes. We will see how that goes. I hope I can just continue to remain quiet with my daughter. Not telling her how I feel like I am nothing in her life. Maybe I am. Maybe that is where I need to be. I do not need her as an identification of who I am. But going to her work and talking to her people just seems wrong to me. I do not know what an adult relationship is supposed to look like with her. I guess I need to define it. Maybe I will figure that out today. Maybe not. All I know is getting on my bike will be good for me. It will probably kill my hip, but I have to do something. I can just age myself away.