Courage

It is said that sometimes courage can skip a generation. I think about this when I spend time with my daughter today. She encouraged me to tackle something that was scary to me. Granted it, it was a hill and I was on skates. But then she shared with me that years ago she was scared when she got on her skates. She saw that I was just going on mine and she was like how come I keep falling? She moved right through that. She overcame her fears. I never knew she thought that then. I never knew she had fear. What a concept. She was afraid, she conquered her fears in time and over time.

As a mom, you do always hope your children will be better than you. Well, I think that is what you are supposed to think. I did not have a mom as an example in my life. I can only speak for how I feel about my children. I want them to be happier, to love more, to achieve whatever makes thier hearts happy. But I also have to think that maybe, just maybe, I deserve that as well. I need to have courage. I have it deep in my soul. I can feel it. I had it when I decided to have a baby at 18 years old. I had it when I married someone at 19. I had it when I had another baby at 20 years old. I had it when my third baby was hospitalized after having seizures. I had it when I stood my ground when I was hit by her dad. I had it when I filed for divorce after he decided to leave me and three children. I had it when I applied for a job and got the job. Over and over again. Courage.

My daughter has it, both of them. They have continued their lives after having something pretty gross happen to both of them. They are both moving forward in their life. So why can’t it be my turn? I have been a mom and will always be a mom. But the sense of doing whatever the hell I want, I just have not grasped that concept fully. I can do whatever I want. Whatever that means. I have been busy trying to please room mates for the past few years. I have been quiet and have not disturbed many over the last few years. Guess that is what you are used to when you live with someone that you have to tip toe around all the time. For most of your adult life, tip toeing as to not disturb. Tip toe as to not be hurt by them. Once a child, once a husband. Courage it took to leave it all.

Courage I have. Courage that I wear on my sleeves but keep tucked in my heart. Today it came out in trusting my daughter as I went down a hill, not knowing how to stop. Going anyways. Moving through the fear of it all. Moving through and trusting someone. I did not know how she would have stopped me, but she would have been there and been present. Something I can not say about anyone else in my life right now. Can not say it about any friend or family member. Only this daughter. I could go on and on about how wrong that is. But I will not. I would rather have time with this daughter, who I think it a pretty amazing person, than anyone else in the world. She accepts me as I am. And I think that is pretty cool.

Courage to take the next step and to move forward. Even if you have no idea how your steps will line up. They may come out jagged and all over the place but they are moving forward. All you can ask for in life. All I can do in my life now. All that can be expected of me at this time in my life. I am moving forward. I will not let others get in my way of moving forward. Not everyone deserves to be a part of what I am doing. I can be shallow and not talk about my personal life. Watch me, I can do it. I do not owe anyone the right to my life. I can be just a teacher and involved with things that have to do with my class. I will not badmouth. I will figure it out and be the best I can be. It is all I can control anyways. It is all I can control. Me. Little old me. This courageous woman who has grown and loved and given life to so many children, her own and so many more. Making them feel like they are my favorite, making them feel what it would be like to be loved by Jesus. I am all over it.

I will be okay. I will be more than okay. Those that are in my circle, earned it. No one comes in unless welcomed, not anymore. I will not be that girl. I will not let others walk in and say crap about me. They do not know me and they will not now. My life is not an open book to be judged. I will find a place where I belong or am at least respected for what I bring to the place. I will find that place. I will find my home. I will find the courage to continue where I am until I find the next place. I will have the courage to do just that. I will continue to love this body, this person, this smile. This potential to be so much more than I have settled on in my life. I will find peace and love and joy. I will find them in me as she is in there. She is waiting to come out. I beleive that she will return. She will come right through, probably with some glitter and sparkle. She will be there. She will be better. She is me.