Lost

It is 3am on a Thursday and I am awake. So many thoughts about so many things. But when I think about writing something, all I could think of was how lost I feel. I feel lost in a lot of things in life right now. I know I am moving forward and I have not given up hope in my future. But it is really hard to see anything right now. The lense of my life is very blurry.

Earlier this week I attended a memorial of a friend’s spouse. This friend has been my hero. She was there and stepped into a role that was absent in my life. She is my reason for writing and being able to process through written word. She saved me and my life when I needed it. To watch her go through such suffering as she lost her spouse is so incredibly hard and difficult. She gave me my life. She gave me a gift I will never be able to repay. I owe my creativity to her. I owe my fierceness and determination to her. I owe her my love to teach. So much that she would just sit back and go, yeah, it is what I do. She poured into me. She made that choice years ago. She did not need to. She did it because she beleived in me and she did it because she was an amazing teacher. I can only hope to be a fraction of a teacher she was to me. She also knew what she knew. She voiced her opinion. I need to do more of that.

Today was hard. Not doing enough, so much on my plate. I can not do all the things needed at my job. No one can really help me. The expectation is too high. I will never meet it. I know I will never meet it. I can not comprehend all that needs to be done. I just know I am behind. I am disappointing. I get it. You make me feel it everyday. You smile that smile to everyone else. But you really are going behind me and watching every move I make. I get it, you do not trust me. You are intimidated by me and it frustrates you. I am not you. You keep pushing me, I will leave. I will not be intimidated by you. You have made your backhanded comments. I have walked away, crying. You do not care anything about me or what I bring to your team. You do not see nor deal with the children I deal with. You have lost your vision to be all the things to the parents. I do not stand with you on this. I will never stand with you on this. I will always come first for the child and then the parent second. We will never agree. These children are blessed to be in the classroom with me. I will never, ever take it for granted.

I have earned the trust of the youngest of humans. I have earned the trust of them. Nothing else matters to me. Do not come at me anymore. I will leave. I do not have to put up with bullying at the age I am at. Others may tolerate, I will now. I know I am an amazing teacher. I have an amazing gift and I will not be bullied anymore.

I will find a place where I can support and give back to the teachers around me. I will stand firm in who I am. I am an accent to any school. I am an amazing teacher with amazing qualities. I do not care about my acceptance into any fucking community of women. I will always stand firm in who I am as a teacher. I will advocate for the children and I damn well figure out how to advocate for myself. I have never really had to do that. Well, except that stupid divorce thing and advocating for myself. I advocated for the children at the one school. I have it in me. I have a little bit of that Scottish English teacher in me. She instilled that in me. Not to be able to articulate the frustration without using the damn or fuck work…well that may be different.

I have not found my place, job wise. I have not found my place, socially. I will. I know my people are out there. I just have not met them yet. I am excited and will wait. Just as I will for whatever man is out there for me. I am lost in a place I never thought I would be. But the unknown is a very familiar place for me in the last few years. I am grateful to no longer be in the place I was in just a few short years ago. I am grateful that I am moving forward in my life. I have no idea what that looks like. But I know my next step is to be around people who are more like me. More like me and real. Not pretend, not hiding behind the mask of Christanism. I will press on. I will advocate who I am to those that need to hear it. I will not cower down anymore or hold my head in shame. It is not okay. I am not that person. Find someone else to pick on. I am not yours to control.