So this is the third day I am home from work. I realize that as much as I do not like being around women at my job, I love being around the children. I love the feeling of them telling me a new story, or just rambling about something that is of interest to them. I love being with the simpleness of a child. I love being respected by them and loved by them as I am. I do not have to pretend to be someone I am not around children. They take me as I am.
Adults, however are not the same. I have thought some pretty dark thoughts the last few days. Waiting for validation that will never come. Waiting for approval that will never come. Waiting on a lot of things and expectations instead of just living my life. I have many things that I need to do and should get done with my time off. I have to move in a few weeks and have been gifted the time to get ready for it. But where is the fun. I know I can pack up and be done today, if I wanted to do that. Clean all the things, go and buy groceries and get my shit in order. But I need to stop and realize something. I realize that this is my time. I can do all the “things” and feel accomplished.
But what about me? What about stopping the thought of having to move again, to walking into the fact that Morgan and I will finally have a place of our own. We will not have to walk on pins and needles with every step. Waiting for what has happened to happen again. We will be in our own place and it will be our decision if we have to leave. Scary thought. Thinking about how my life has been in someone else’s hands for not just the last few years but for my own life. Living on the edge of having to decide what to do based on someone else’s decision. This move is mine alone. Yes, it is because of someone else’s decision. But moving forward, I am in control. What does that look like?
Recently, I had a conversation with someone and they told me that I am too hard on myself. I am. I have no empathy or space for grace for me because of my past and what I feel like I represent. I have always been hard on myself. I do not want to blame it on my mom, ex’s or anyone else anymore. I am hard on myself. I do not have empathy for myself and what my life has brought me through. I find that I think more about being the victim in life than victorious. I find that I feel sorry for myself a lot for what I have been through. Yes, I have made some poor choices. But others that I have been with and around have as well. It is not all my fault. I would not be who I am today without the struggle. I have a good job, it pays my bills, my car is paid off. I have a dog who loves me and no other real responsibilities. I have raised four beautiful human beings that are discovering their lives. I am not responsible for them or their actions anymore. And it is okay that I do not have relationships with them. I do not need the drama or the conflict. I have been the door mat mom for way to long. I am tired of bending my boundaries for them.
It is time for me to stick up for myself and who I have become. I am strong and resiliant and I will make it not only through but with a smile on my face. My shame can not and will not dictate who I am anymore. I will not hang my head down because of what life has thrown at me. I am kind, generous, giving, loving, and have a lot of offer the right person. I will be more careful with my decisions and not be as closed minded. I will still and probably always guard my heart very closely. I have to respect what my heart has felt and continues to feel. But I also need to give myself some grace. I am worth something to someone. I will find that person one day. In the meantime, I have to look in the mirror and love me. Love me for the curly hair that I have. Love the beautiful green eyes that I have. Love the smile that is rare but lights up a room. Love that when a student of mine looks at me, they feel safe. I want to be able to look at someone and feel safe. I want to be able to sit with someone and feel safe. I am grateful I can be that someone to a select group of children that are in my care.
In moving forward, I have to figure out a way to have more compassion for myself and stop being so hard on me. I am worth it to a few selected people. I can be for more but they have not earned that trust. At least not yet. And that is okay. I do not need a large group of people around me. I am okay with a small group of people I really trust and respect. I had hopes of that with my new job. I had high hopes of that with my new job. And I have found one that has earned my trust. It is not who I thought it would be. But I am grateful for her. She appreciates my honesty and my love for what I do. I can say anything and she gets it. I am grateful. My expectation was greater and I was greatly disappointed. But I have to start making that switch to be greatful for what I have instead of focusing on what I do not have.
I have great empathy for many people in my life. I have great empathy for everyone else but me. I always feel like I am behind in my life. Always feel like there is something else that needs to be done. Something or someway I need to work on being better, becoming more. Maybe if I do this and that, I will have more peace. Maybe if I can just stop and love on me where I am, I will be okay. Maybe I will be okay. Maybe if I extend the same grace and love to me, I will be better. As a human, we strive to be better. I could pack up all my things and be done with it today. I would feel better. It would mean I could justify doing other things I enjoy doing the rest of this week. Will I do it? Will I be good to me in this moment? Will I extend the empathy I need to myself? Will I allow myself a reward for working hard and doing all the things? I do not know.
I can not just sit here and feel sorry for myself that I have to move again. I have to get that out of my mind. I get to move again. I get to have my own place. I get to be by a friend that has been there for me over the years. Someone I respect and will be honest with me. I am grateful. I get to meet new people and be around people that will get me. I will find my people. My best relationships are yet to come. I will be and do well. I will find my place. I will belong. I have been in this holding pattern for way to long. It is time to find my place. I will find it. I will find my niche and I will find friends that will be genuine and kind and funny. Friends that will not hide behind a mask of religion. Friends that will be happy and smile when they see me. I will walk in a room with my head held high because I know I am worth something. At least to them. I will not walk into a single fucking church again already feeling the weight of my shame as I cross over the line of the building. I also will not enter a church waiting for someone to judge me or look at me funny. I live in enough guilt on my own about being divorced twice. But I am not the only one in the divorce. I gave all I could give. I digress.
Today is a new day. My life will start this day. I will no longer live in the guilt and shame. What is different about this time? I do not really know. I wish I could tell you that I had this big revelation. I did not. I am just tired of feeling sorry for myself. I am worth it to me. I am worth it to me. I am a wonderful giving soul who has been through a lot but I have learned. I have learned to listen. I have learned to be quiet. I have learned to be the best I can be for those around me. I am onto my next chapter. I am moving some things around. I am moving my life around. It will all work out. I will sit across the table from someone new tonight and listen. Factor into the conversation what I want. Listen again. Another post about that. I will get the packing done today as I want to be free of guilt for the rest of my short time off. I will use the time wisely and effectively. I have only the responsibility of myself anymore. I will not live where I was. today is a new day.
Quiet Intensity 