So it is early on a Friday morning. I am awake as I can not sleep. I have the washer and dryer going and I just listened to a podcast on beleiving in yourself. I again fight the battle in my mind of being good enough. I have had a hell of a week at work. Last few weeks have been rough. So many things going on. So many back handed comments made by the director over me. I get it, she wants me to comply and do everything she says, the way she says it and yesterday, not today. She has been my biggest bully. Speaking to me like I am nothing and I know nothing. I am over it. I am tired of her and her bullying ways. I am not the victim here, other people are okay with her speaking to her that way. Narcissism at its finest. I have RUN a preschool before. I have RUN a large preschool before. I am not stupid. Do not talk to me like I am. It is not okay.
17 years of doing what I do. I know why I do what I do, I know how to do what I do. You need to backoff. I will not take the brunt of someone else’s laziness or lack of knowledge of the field. I am not in it because I love children. If I am honest, I do not. I love the exploration of the a child and discovery. I am not there to make friends. I do not trust any of you now. Someone or someones went behind my back and talked. So now, I have a target on my back. Great! Fucking Christians with their we won’t tolerate being passive aggresive. The leader is just that passive aggresive. I will fight back. I will not stand down. I am not wrong and you are not always right. I get it, I could lose my job again. I could also walk away from the closing doors. You are pushing it closed on me. Pushing me out.
Another place where I do not fit. I have a place where I do belong and I will find it. A place where people actually say you are doing a good job. Not telling you that it will take three years to feel like you are doing a good job. It is not okay. This environment is toxic. I will not continue to look for ways that you are watching me. Watch and listen all you want. I will be my best for these children in my care. I will not talk about it anymore. It is no one’s business but mine. You will not wear me down. I am better than that. I have been through worse, beleive me. You do not give a shit about me and I am not one to give a shit anymore about you. You betrayed me and I do not trust you. You will not earn it back. You can have your people pleasing ways, I will shut up and be with the children. You lost my respect by doing these damn meetings. I owe you nothing. I do not have to be friends with these women who are all just fake anyways. Live your Christian life and pretend that you love everyone, I see clearly through it all. You are intimated by me because I may, gasp, be a better teacher than you. A better human than you. You keep being who you are, it is shining through so easily. You will slip up. I will not.
I will be my best for the children every day. They deserve me to be my best. They deserve it, for how ever long I am there for. Each day is a new day with them. Today is going to be a big day for you. You better tread lightly as I will not stand and be beaten down anymore. Watch me. I will shine bright, my light may hurt you. Just get in the shadows.
Quiet Intensity 