This has been a rough week. From setting boundaries with a close friend, to lifting a screaming child, to learning about a health diagnosis about a family member. I can not. I can not wrap my mind about why life is sometimes so difficult. So I try to sleep through all the words and thoughts I have in my head and start again another day. It is all you can do.
Got up this morning and decided to take a bath and then a shower. Put a face mask on my face, eat some scrambled eggs and try to start today on the right foot. Just drank my water. What if every day is just a reset to try to do your best and get through each day? Laugh a little every day, smile some. Be with people you actually like and get along with? One can only say they are working toward healing and peace in their lives. This week was hit after hit of all the things.
Love, when you love someone and they do not love you in the same capacity. You cry, you take a step back and think about what you really want. Giving them up is the only real option. Giving up the idea you thought would happen in your head. You settle for what is left. You cry and leave the fact that you are capable of love and that kind of love. You wish and hope that one day someone would appreciate it. Someone would think of you the way you think of them. All hope is not lost. My love is unique for only me and for only that person that will appreciate it and think of me first. Think of me before they think of themselves as I do for them. One day. Still my heart hurts, more time passing by without the things that I need. One tear and cry at a time. I have seen a lot of tears this week.
Diagnosis of cancer of a close loved one. What does this mean? How can they be so non chalont about it? Well, they are old and may have accepted the fact that something is going to get them. We do not get out of life alive, everyone dies. Still the process of not having that person in your life is hard. Hard to imagine life without the belief of the only parent that you had who loves you. So you continue to plan the trip to see them and make the most of each day you can. Only time will tell what will happen. If they are happy to see you and want to see you, enjoy the moment. Do what you can as far as honoring their wishes but know that you can not determine how long you will have them in your life. You do not order their steps or your own. Live in this life. Cry again over the thought of not being able to talk to them one day. Life now.
Battling the body happened this past week. Battling my own body and pushing through the pain of it all. Headaches are getting worse. Headaches are more intense. Crying brings the headaches out more. I have fully recognized that. It is why I have kept my tears in for so many years. Years, yes, years. I need to cry and release the trauma in this body. I am fighting it and I need to lean in and respect the body that I have. Lean it and let the hurt out. Realize that my emotions were not the only thing affected by life happenings. My body needs to release this as well. All of it. I am thinking about going to some somatic exercises and find a class that will help my body release all that it has held in and held onto over my lifetime. Trauma from as far back as I can remember. I feel it. In every ounce of my body. I need a physical healing of it all. I do not belelive that I will just be healed by waiting for the power of prayer to get my through. I do not beleive that way. I just do not anymore.
I am not responsible for the care of my father. I do not “owe” him that. He left my life when I needed him the most and he has never fought for me. He has never had my back. I have never felt safe with anything I say to him. I know he will continue my story on to others, my good and my weaknesses. I am a little upset that he would be okay with me turning my life upside down for him when I know he would not do it for me. I know he wouldn’t sacrifice for me the way I am willing to sacrifice for him. It is black and white. I can not make him someone he is not. He will never be all that I need as a dad. I have issues with trust because of him. He said he would be there for me and he was not. I can not undo that. I can let it go, but it the back of my mind it very much hurts.
I will press on in my life. Go to a scripture teaching church and listen to whatever God has for me. I will press on. It is all I can do. Today I will get my insurance figured out and work on assessments of the children in my care. It is what is most important right now. Everything else will wait. Later, I may cook my dinner and maybe I will not. Today is a slow day and I am grateful for the time off to just sit on my bed in quiet. I am listening to Lauren Daigle and her music always brings a mellow and calm vibe. I need to listen to her more.
Guess I should hop off or here and get some things done for this Saturday.
Quiet Intensity 