Crying

Today is what it is. I feel like just crying through this day. I feel like I am just alone in this life and that no one really cares how I am or who I will be. I am 49 years old and I feel like I am 16. That lost little girl with no where to go and no place of belonging. Sometimes you just need to cry. Not knowing what else to do with all the thoughts that you have racing in your mind. Not knowing why you are not good enough for some that you love. Not knowing if you will make it another week at your job without losing your shit. Not knowing if you will survive the lonliness you feel right now. Life is so fast but so damn slow at other times. Wanting to be in the arms of someone you love so that for those sweet short moments you can forget about the hell in you life that surrounds you. The hell of being so alone, so very alone. Alone in survival mode. Wondering when you will actually not feel like the weight of the world is crashing upon you, wave after wave of crashing. Overflowing and consuming your mind and all your thoughts. One hit after another. While everyone else has a smile on thier face and are content in their lives. Will I ever find anyone that I can actually relate to? Will there ever be someone who loves me for me? Not for what they want or what I can give them? I doubt it. In my heart, I know I have made too many mistakes to earn or find that kind of love. I know it is gone. So I sit here and try to figure out how to make the most of my time and my life. Sit in silence, wanting so badly to scream how unfair this stupid fucking life it. Born into chaos, not my choice. The choices of the parents I was given fucked me up. Still does. So many choices by unhealthy people in my life. Choices I have made that are pretty fucked up, coming from a place of not being healed and whole. Will I ever figure out how to be whole and at peace with myself? I doubt it. I am not very hopeful of ever getting to get to that point of my life.

A friend recently talked to me about how everyone is on a healing journey. Hard to imagine others deal with the thoughts that I deal with. I can not understand it, no one talks about it. Am I around the wrong people? Probably. I need to be around those that are ready to look at their lives and want to change. Who will listen to me and help me figure out what my next steps should be. People I can trust. Where are they? I sit and wonder if my people are out there somewhere. I need them. Not to make decisions for me, but to listen and give me feedback. I need those people. I need real people who will walk beside me through. Not leave me alone to figure it all out in my aloneness. This period of life really sucks.