I am so tired. Tired of fighting for those that should be in my life and are not there for me. Those that have gotten wrapped up in their own world and lives and have forgotten how to be whatever they are to me. They are nothing to me anymore. I am tired of chasing. Tired of feeling like I have to prove my worth to those that I think should take me as I am. Tired of feeling like the chase and effort should always be mine because their worth is more important than mine. Their worth more important than mine. It really comes down to just that. I value them over myself and my own needs. I again am putting myself on hold to help someone else. It is in my very core being. Do for others. I have to stop. I will never be what they want me to be. They will continue to keep taking as they know they can.
Three months until the antidepressants kick in to your system. I am wondering if the same is true about them leaving your system. If so, it is going to be a rocky road, a few more months of it. Wow, what will I process and what will I look like at the end of the end of this? Will I be healed? Will I be well on my way? I do not know the answers. But I can not walk backwards in my journey.
I give up. I am done chasing. You do not want to be in my life. I get it. I do not have anything to offer. The person I was before was someone with a mask. Every now and then a spark of joy would come out from behind the mask. Usually something involving me looking like a fool to make the situation seem lighter. Always at my own expense. I was crying inside, living in my own hell as soon as I got home. Living in an oppressed situation feeling like the walls were caving in on me. They were. It was so bad, no one will ever know what happened behind those closed walls, closed doors. No one’s fault but my own. I will take responsibility for my part in it all. I decided to stay. Maybe I would have had my life together if I left sooner. I will never know. My timing is my timing. I did not think it would be this hard. I did not think I would lose friends over this. I did not expect even more judgement.
I did not think I would feel so alone and be so alone. I was alone for so many years in my marriage. He would be in the next room and I felt alone. The children also in the next rooms, all of us hiding from each other. Many tears cried over what was happening in the home. It is filled with confusion and delay.
Okay so here I am today. Filled with regret and such great sadness over what has happened in my life. The song comes on, Burn the ships by For King and country. My favorite band. A song about burning the ships, flushing the pills, and walking through the sorrow into tomorrow. I want to move on. I want to move the fuck on. Yes, life has been hard but do I need to live there? NO I DON’T. So people left my life when I needed them the most. Their choice, their reasoning. I can not make anyone be there for me. I can not be that person anymore, giving to everyone else and putting me last. I will go and do things for me today. My health is my first priority. I will be successful in this second part of my life.
Making new friendships brings up the past. I will practice being more short and less emotional about my past. Not everyone needs to know everything. I do not need to share everything. Most do not give a shit about it anyways. It is what has made me who I am. But I do not need to live there. I am so tired of justifying why I think I am not crazy. I am not crazy. I will not live there anymore. It is not who I am becoming.
Quiet Intensity 