I have been up since a little after 2am and the thoughts on my life are just flooding in. I have spent the last two days just sitting in who I am. I do not want to be the needy friend. I do not want to be the friend that keeps circling in life and never has change. Forget friend and that word for a minute. I do not want to be the person that keeps making mistakes.
My past does not define me but in a way it does. It has made me who I am today. A decision forced on a 9 year old girl forever changed the trajectory of her life. Who do you wan t to live with. My dad says that I said to him, “Who would take care of Mom?’ He knew she abusive and had a temper. Who in their right mind would let their child that they loved go and live with the women. He was afraid of her too. He did not have the strength to stand up to her. He never did. He made the choice to let me live in that life with her. He didn’t come to my rescue, he allowed her to do what she did to me and did not care. He was all about his image. What do you do when you think your Daddy should have been there for you and you can recall the phone call where he said he would not be? You realize that your dad is mere human too and was never taught or learned how to parent. He was carrying on the genes of not fully investing emotionally in his child. His parents did it to him. He did it to me. I began to understand what feeling unsafe was. No one was coming for me to protect me.
No one was or is coming for me. No man, no friend, no family member. No one is coming for me. I am it. I am alone in this world. I have to learn to be okay with who I am. I have had to sit in that fact the last few days. I have the responsibility of my dog and myself. That it is. I have to like the skin I am. I am trying to embrace it by wearing things that make me feel more free and more who I am. But am I showing too much? Am I being too much? What is even the definition of that? It took me a long time to get to this weight. It is going to take me a long time to get the weight off. Just not eating is not going to do it. It is not anyone’s responsibility to make sure that I eat. It is solely my responsibilty. I dont feel like eating. I know I need to, but I just do not feel like eating.
It has almost been a year since I was admited to the mental hospital. In a way, it seems like much longer. I saught to get help. I did get help. Back to openly talking about my problems. So many to choose from. When does the cycle end? How much of the past does one need to talk about? Why talk about it? It is not who I am. The decisions I made under pressure or under not knowing all the ramifications are vast in my life. But when do the thoughts stop cycling through my brain? How can I stop processing them and just be comfortable in my own skin? I am not trying to blame anyone in my life for it being rather shitty. I am trying to just accept and move on. When I start telling people about my life, it is like I am barfing it up all over again. Why do I need to do this? I need to retell my story. I need to be able to talk about things without feeling the feelings again or being back there. Some chapters I just want to close and never talk about again. I need to be more willing to just close chapters. Dumping them here and moving on is a start, the healthiest start I know of. But dumping them here also rehashes things I had hoped to never remember again.
This is my sword in the ground. I will no longer carry the weight of my exhusband’s decision to expose my children to his porn addiction. I did the best I could in a pretty crappy situation. I can not undo what happened. I am not responsible for thier healing anymore. They need to do their own work to heal thier own life. If they forgive me, great. If they don’t, well I can not change thier minds. I do not have the strength or power to fight for them anymore. I did my job as a mom. I loved them and took care of them My job is done, they may never come back to me. I have to loose that title and responsibility. It is not mine to carry anymore, they are adults capable of making thier own decisions about their lives and their relationship with me. They do not owe me anything. They do not owe me anything. They did not ask to be part of the situation, it was thrust upon them by the decisions of two adults. Now they are the adults and they can figure it out. One day, maybe they will extend some grace to their mom. I will not hold my breath. It hurts.
It just hurts to live these days. Rejected by my kids. Rejected by the church and thier people. Rejected by society. Rejected by men. Living in this state is not good. It is a make or break state. I feel like I am pinned against a wall and that I have to make the choice to fold or to live. I don’t know how to live alone. I have never been this alone since I lived with my mother as a teenager. I did not know that 30 plus years later, I would be sitting in this aloneness and having to figure my life out. My life did not go as I thought it was. I am guessing that most people deal with the same thing. I have some fight in me. It is not much and it may mean days in bed sleeping and trying to process it all. I don’t know much about healing. But I am sure having to face it. Going to a bar and feeling like I am important to someone there is not the answer. I know it very well. Begging people who said they were your friends, to be part of your life is not the answer either. I may sit in this friendless zone for some time. I did not get here over night. To someone I am worth it and that someone has to be me. I have to get to that point. I have to find my worth in what I look at in the mirror. No one else is coming for me.
Be my own friend. Sleep well knowing that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now. I am healing. Healing takes time and I have to do this right now. I am allowed to cry and be upset. Things have not be easy. But I can not stay there. I have to keep moving foward, even if it feels like I am going backwards. There are better things ahead for me. There has to be. This is not the end of my life it is just the middle. I will be in a better place 6 months from now. As the place I am in now is better than where I was 6 months ago. I will be okay. I do need to get it out and leave it here. Hope for those that read it to let them feel they are not alone.
Quiet Intensity 