Just something I saw posted on social media. I grew up not having grandparents around. My dad’s parents lived in New York and were not part of my life. Later I would find out that they never liked my mom so they just stayed away. I am sure my mother had something to do with pushing them away. Either way, I would get a birthday card with a grandmother’s signature on it, sometimes money. That was about the only contact I had with my dad’s parents.
My mother’s father passed away when I was six months old. I did not know anything about him until I heard that he was around for my brothers, just found out that information in the last ten years of my life. My mother’s mother lived about an hour and a half away from us. She would come see us on holidays and was not the affectionate type at all. I remember she sewed and enjoyed going to the thrift stores to get “stuff.” I do not remember having long conversations with her. She had a companion that was always happy to see me. I remember his smile and his presence as he made me felt like I was important to him.
Once the divorce of my parents, I did not see my grandmother in the same capacity. The relationship with her changed, it became a relationship between my mom and her and I was not invited into that relationship. I would never rekindle that relationship as she died when I was in my young 20’s.
My mother was an only child and so I grew up with no cousins or aunts or uncles. I honestly did not know any existed. I would learn in my 20’s that I had an aunt and uncle. My dad’s siblings. They were obviously not in my life, I did not even know there were alive. They lived on the east coast and my dad had never spoken of them. When I reunited with my dad in my twenties, he told me I had an aunt and cousins. What? It was a shock. I had heard and had plenty of friends who grew up with aunts and uncles and cousins. Somehow I missed that bus, another thing my parents did not think was important. I did not grow up even knowing they existed. I dont know if I could have done anything about it as they lived so far away anyways. Things may have been different for me. I will never know.
I can honestly say I do envy those that grew up in those big families with aunts and uncles and cousins around them. They learned what family was supposed to be. I missed that. I missed that connection. I can not undo it, it was what I experienced. I know what it means to be a good friend. I know what it means to be fiercely loyal to someone. I can also say that I have experienced tremendous hurt from valuing others over myself. I can not be that person anymore.
Yes, I did not have the family support I may have needed. But just maybe that support would not have made me into the warrior I am today. I am the word resiliant. I am that person. That girl you listen to and wonder where the hell she drew the strength to do this this and that. I know life can be difficult, but life can also be filled with beautiful things to see, explore and to be. Just be, in the midst of the chaos and complaints and whatever. Just be. Just be present. Just live each day as you can. Be the best you can be for yourself. You are the only one who sees yourself in the mirror every single day. And this day, as I look in my mirror, I like who I see, who I am becoming. What I can bring to this world is only mine to give and I will start giving it my all. I will be my all, for me, no one else. For me, because life is short. Complaining about it will not help. But doing the work to heal will be rewarding and I can see the other side of that venture.
Quiet Intensity 