Step off

I have been thinking about social media influences me and how it is supposed to influence me. I have had many “friends” stand on the sideline of my life watching what I am doing, Heck, they have even liked what I am doing. But their refusal to just watch on the sidelines and view my life is over. I am not going to be that person anymore. I am also not going to be the person who time and time again offers to meet someone somewhere and get dismissed over and over again. I am not going to fight for my friendships anymore.

I have something brief to comment about this and in a complete vulnerable state I am in right now I am going to say it. In the last year, I had to recover from being in something that had a profound impact of my life, my future, my children, everything. I would never be that “friend”, that would ever allow someone to go through it alone. But yet here I am. I can not say I have any “friends” that went with me through it. They stepped off my life as it was uncomfortable for them. Afraid of whatever, too busy, too involved with their own shit to sit and hold my hand and give me some fucking hope that life would be better. I had no friends to call at 3am when I was facing the demons telling me that I was nothing. No one walked with me through. Friendships are a funny thing. I would bend over backwards for someone but know in my heart, the other person would not do it for me.

I have always been a fiercely loyal friend. I have always been the initiator of friendships. I have been the fighter and have lived in that role all my life. Fight for my marriages, fight for my children, fight for the children that I teach. It is time to let it go. I can only fight for me now. I can not be that identity anymore. It has left me nothing but alone and resentful. Two things I do not wish to carry on in the later part of my life. Friends should be present in your life, always present, regardless of what is going on in thiers. I mean I can think of countless time I have given up my own plans and time to be there for someone else.

I will not beg for you to be in my life, nor will I continue to post on social media what I am doing in the hopes that you may be interested in being in my life. I am done. Just the same as I will not follow you and beg you to be part of your life. Invest the time or step off. Step out. This also goes for family. Oh a whole other topic. Do not just be there for the high and not walk with me through the lows. It is not true friendship or relationship. I have done it before and it makes me feel like shit when you are living your best life on your 8th vacation this year meanwhile, as your friend, I am struggling to make ends meet. I do not need anyone to feel sorry for me. I got this, I have done this life plenty of times with no friends and I come out stronger and learning more about the strength that I have deep down inside me. It is my time to be my own best friend and not invest to much in relationships with people that do not really give a shit about me. There I said it. I will not beg anymore for you to be part of my life. Show up or get the fuck off my sideline of life. I will not settle for any less than effort. Why? Because I am a fucking awesome person and friend and I can not invest in anyone that will be less than that to me.