Flushed

About a month or so I made a decision. I made the decision to stop taking my anti-depressants. This was not a light decision. I have been on and off this type of medication for many years. I was off of them for many years and then when I becaame seperated, my doctor wanted me to get back on them. I was at a really vulnerable and weak place and decided to go on them again.

Back up about 20 years when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. The psycholgist I had at that time that diagnosed me with hypothyroidism also decided to put me on what became a journey of trying all kinds of anti-depressants. I was on so many different kinds and I never felt like I was feeling any “better.” The process made me feel like I would never get out of that state of mind. That even medication could not help me. In retrospect, I was not at a place to do the work to heal and definitely did not have the time capacity to work on me with the balance of raising four children.

Over the years, I have thought about what if anti-depressants would help me. Deep down I knew they wouldn’t. The things I had to process were things I had to process and until I got to a point in my life where I could process and unpack, I would remain the same. I also really beleive that if you are on anti-depressants, you can not rely on them alone to heal you. Talking and being open to healing are also huge components.

My doctor put me on three different types of medication. Two were more for sleep, but were anti-depressants and one was for depression. I had regularly taken the one specifically for depression for the good part of two years. I can not say I ever felt like they were helping, but figured that maybe I should be on them as I was leaving a very long relationship and it seemed like the statistical thing to do. I did not fell better. I would go a few days without taking them and I would feel more down, more depressed. But this cycle just continued and continued. I never felt like I was dealing with the depression, it became more like a mask. The medication I was told would help me sleep, did not help me sleep, I did not take it consistantly as when I had tried to, I never slept well. In the last few months, I can not even remember when I took them.

About a week or so ago, I flushed them all. I did not want to be chained or addicted to something that I could really feel in my soul and spirit was not helping me. I did not like the feeling of needing something so bad, something I could not even see how it was helping, but could clearly see how it was keeping me wrapped up in a dependency on it. I thought long and hard about this decision. I did not go into just deciding to go cold turkey. After being off of them for about three weeks, I looked up what happens if you do go cold turkey. Lets just say it is less than ideal scenario, which keeps you on them out of fear and the cycle continues. It is a vicious cycle and a way to get doctors to keep you sick and dependent on pills for survival. I will not say much about how I feel about that as it is not a soap box I care to get on. I am only responsible for making the best decisions for me and my life.

In moving forward, I beleive that exercise daily will help me and by my natural anti-depressant. In the past, I have found that it has worked for me to feel better. I am also willing and have the time capacity to do the work on my healing. Full healing of what made me depressed to begin with. This blog helps. It will be a huge factor in the process. Knowing others may not feel alone or crazy in their journey will help me focus my eyes on being the best I can be. The best I can be, now, with what I know now and a lack of dependence on something that never really helped me.