Church

A church is supposed to a place where people of the same faith gather and fellowship with each other. No surprise, I have an opinion about this. I have stood on the sidelines the last few years to see how the church would deal with me, a divorced woman.

“You should have prayed more for your husband.”

“You do not have enough faith.”

“You really should go back to him.”

“God hates divorce.” So what does that mean? God hates me?

What was left unsaid was given in the form of looks from the married women in the church. The looks that led me to believe they thought I was there to try to take their husbands. Please, I just want to be accepted and God forbid, loved and cared on a little bit by God’s people, I do not need or want your husband. I wanted someone, anyone to care if I had enough food or enough money to pay my rent. I wanted someone to just listen and be there for me. Not judge me and condemn me. It must have been something I did to land in the divorced state. Afterall, it could never be the man’s fault.

I have this feeling deep inside my soul that somewhere sometime I will meet people that will accept me for who I am. I would expect this from the church. Afterall, the Bible talks about Jesus who loved and accepted everyone. What I learned in my years of sitting in the audience of a sermon was that people are supposed to be like Jesus. Yet, am I am being like Jesus? I have to wonder if I am entering a church building and looking for the wrongs in the people I see. Extend grace to those around me. Again an example of being like Christ. When I am new to a church and I leave after sitting with these people learning about how to be Christlike and no one asks me how I am and God forbid my name, something is wrong. It may be God closing the door on church for me. I do not know. I keep going back, hoping to get a different result and maybe, just maybe I should not expect anything.

I have thought about what I miss most about church and it is the time with God. The time to worship and the time to learn more about him. The time to be challenged and fully listening and focusing on who God thinks I am. I have missed this greatly in my life. But it may never be that way for me again. I have been so hurt and left so many times. I guess the standard for a Christian is higher but should it really be? Am I am putting my faith in people that are flawed? You bet! I am very flawed and I will openly tell you about it, if you ask. But never given a chance, is not okay. The men won’t approach me and the women won’t. So where do I fit? Maybe I don’t. Maybe I won’t fit in because my life looks different than those around me when I sit in church. My life is not the ideal. It is not how it is supposed to be at this age.

But Jesus of the Bible, that guy died for me too. He knew my sins and was willing to die for me. He does not pick and choose. I chose Him. He knew me. He met me and continues to meet me. Every single moment of every single day. He accepts me. He sees me and He thinks I am valuable because I am His. Not for anything I have earned or certainly not deserved but because I am His. I chose Him at eighteen years old. I have stumbled. A lot. I am not perfect. I never will be. I make mistakes. So why is it so far for other sinners to be gracious? Why is it so hard for them to reach out? Is it their own sin they are worried about exposing? Being vulnerable. I don’t have time to hide or pretend my life is a certain way. I am tired of being that person that pretends life is grand. It’s not, most of the time life just sucks. But I still have to show up. And God does show up too.

People are people, people hurt other people. I do not honestly think I am ready to be part of a church at this time. It is so difficult. I struggle with not feeling like I am worthy enough. Something I have to work on on my own. I need to remember and build myself back up from the hurt that was put on me. I will recognize that I am responsible for being too vulnerable and too expecting of people to help me. People fail other people. I have failed other people. I have let people down. I can only try my best with what I have. I am capable of more, but when I can build myself back up.

I will miss worship and how I can connect with God. But I would rather create my own church and routine and can meet God anywhere. He meets me in the middle of the night and let’s me know I am not alone.

Church is a great place if you fall into the normal sequence of the life of the American. If your life falls into that category, great for you. My life has been anything and everything less that what the Bible and society say it should be. I am not broken, I am not faulty. I am human and I hurt like everyone else. I chose to not dress up in my best on Sunday and wear the mask. I will meet God elsewhere until my skin is thick enough to handle the looks from the women. I know I shouldn’t let it affect me like this. But right now, in this moment, it is not a battle I chose to face. I will know when I am ready to return to church, if that is what is in the cards right now.