I have been thinking about how I feel about marriage for a few days now and decided that I need to get out my thoughts about it here. I have been married twice. My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. My grandparents, well one set, were married a really long time.
With all that laid out there, I do not believe that marriage should be a goal or dream of every person. I did not have this dream when I was young. I used to think because of what the church said, that marriage was like you arrived. A successful marriage met that you were good and healthy and that life was treating you well. I guess it could be seen as an act of your faith. You have strong faith, your marriage is strong. What a bunch of crap. Like my worth should be based on what society thinks my life should look like. Perfect spouse, perfect picked fenced house, 2.5 kids in the yard who are compliant and happy. Dog in the yard, grandparents helping raise the grandchildren and great friends and extended family to help. It is all supposed to be the American dream.
I think people live in their own reality of what they think life should be. Maybe it does work for some people. Maybe it is really hard for others. I do not think it is for me anymore. I do not do marriage well. I need time to discover who I am apart from someone pressuring to be someone I am not. Heck, if I am really honest, I need time to figure out what I like and not just comply with what someone else likes and do whatever they do. I never had a chance to discover that. I was too busy having babies during my 20’s. I was too busy making sure they were provided for and taken care of to work on me.
I tried so hard to be the wife the church told me to be. Submissive and quiet. I fell into that head first. Listen to your husband, do what he says, back his opinion, even if in your core you know it is wrong. This is what the church taught. The countless woman who told me I just needed to surrender to the man I was with and pray more. Surrender more, be less, make him more important. It changed my outlook, be less and God will reward you. Sacrifice your own feelings, thoughts, ideas, goals, and dreams and let the man lead. All brainwashing. I can see that now.
Never once were there actual classes on what a woman could be in the relationship within a marriage, other than to pray for her husband. Well, what if the husband was wrong??? God forbid. God placed him in a role to lead for a reason. Because a woman is the weaker vessel. What a crock of shit! What if that man could not handle the position of leader? What if he was never trained or had that fiber in his very core? What if he wasn’t raised by a man of God? God is supposed to just all of a sudden make this man a man of God? And because he is a man who should be entitled to be in a leadership role? It is all very conveniently aligned with the Old Testiment and what the Bible has to say.
Fast forward a few years to Jesus’s time here on this planet. His loyal followers were men followed by a strong group of women. Some of those women funded his life and journey through all the places he went. They were her prayer warriors and biggest advocates. They beleived in him and did not doubt who he was like the men who were called his disciples. And Jesus never married, he had his support though his group of friends. He didn’t need to fit into the society and be married. He did what he wanted and talked to whoever.
Marriage does not mean you have arrived. Just like being in therapy does not mean you will be cured. Marriage is not for everyone. I get that. Marriage is no longer a box I want to check on my bucket list. I do not do it well, not now. And maybe not ever. Do I enjoy the company of a man? Yes, a man who will treat me like I am worth something. A man who will treat me with respect and value me. A man who will make me become a better person and be who I was created to be. This man may or may not be a husband. I do not need a man to bring me to those places in my life. A good female friend can do that too. I have yet to find that but in my core I beleive it does exist and am open to the universe bringing it to me.
All these things I am just reflecting on and as with any blog entry, it is a process of learning and growing. My opinion is where it is on this day. I am still growing and learning about all that I need to learn about myself. I refuse to be pidgeon holed into a certain way of life. I was not created that way. I know my spirit is one of rebellion and questioning. I am not one to comply and settle. I had been that person for years. But my inner wolf was crying to get out. Now here she is. I won’t comply to the world and what it thinks I should or shouldn’t be doing. I won’t marry because a church thinks I should or that should be a goal in my life.
I will learn to trust my own gut and instinct on what I need to do in my own life. You know that one that I get to create? The one I was gifted by God to live? The life I was created for instead of the one thrown on me by my own poor decisions in life? The one where I get to choose happy and joy instead of having the choice made for me? Yes, that life, it begins now.
Quiet Intensity 