Dreams

I am in my late fourties and it is my time to dream. People, young people are usually the ones with dreams as they have thier whole life ahead of them. Well here I am and I have the whole rest of my life ahead of me. It is time that I have some dreams. Dreams of my own, not involving anyone but the security of me. No dreams with others or dreams of things. I have dreams of being healed and secure in who I am. I have dreams of having friends that care for me as I am and support me and listen and actually care. I have dreams of being happy in my job and being able to do what I love. I have dreams of loving who I see in the mirror and not needing that validation from anyone else.

My dreams do not involve my owning my own home or my own fill in the blank. If anything I have learned in the last few years is that things are just things. Things come and go. Things can make people hold onto their past. I had to sort a household of things, not just mine but my childrens. I became very logical in the process of it all. I had to, emotion could not be involved, at any cost. Close a chapter, live with only things that make me happy. Having your own home means a lot of things to me, but it does not mean security. I do not think anything can bring me security.

My dreams are filled with the hope of being at peace in my soul. To be comfortable in the skin that I am in. It does not mean having the perfect body according to society’s standards. Or looking a certain way. I want to feel good about the way I look not just physically but by having energy. I know what it will take to get to that place and it does take work. Work and time is all I have right now. It will not be overnight. It will come with a lot of discipline and adaptation to learning to love the process of it all. I want to be able to sit in my skin and be okay with being alone. By choice. I want to know the things that make me happy, like just get up and dance happy. No pressure, no outside control or influence.

I have begun to make a list of things I like to do, these are all a part of my dreams. My goals in my life. I do not want to arrive in a sense that most do. I have already survived my life and have raised 4 beautiful unique children. That sense of accomplishment is already there. This is my time. My time to create. My time to invest in only me. My time to thrive in my own life. Become better, a little bit each day. Those that have walked away from the journey of being part of my life can keep walking. I hope and dream to one day have friends that will be there for me. Those that walk with instead of from a sideline with judgement. I know they exist as it is everything in me to be that type of person for someone else. In time, I will align with those that have the same energy and help me to grow in my life, as I help them to grow in theirs.

My dreams include playing in the mud and dancing in the rain. I grew up way to fast with my children. I still have plenty of life to play in and will do so. As an adult now, that may involve wine or beer or whatever the hell I want. I do not have to answer to anyone but my own body and it is my own choice what I do. I was made a certain way and I can live in my own skin and feel confident and the best I can be.

This is a dream, an attainable dream. I do not need confirmation of others to build it and own it. I do not need a permit to get me started. I need one step in front of the other getting me to where I need to be. No regrets, no apologies. My life is my life. My dreams are my dreams. I will not conform to what others may think I need to look like, who I may need to be or what I should say or not way. I was created in a unique way like no one else and I deserve to explore and engage in that uniqueness. I am like no other. I was created to be like no other. What I have to offer is like no other. I am unique and valuable because I am me, not because of what I can do for you or who I can be for you. But because I am in existance I deserve to be. If you have problem with who I am, let me be. I have been criticized enough in my life to know that I am not here to please you nor is it my job to please you. Live your own life. Let me live mine. Let me make my own dreams come true, as they will. I will get there, tell me I can’t, let me know how that works for you.