It has been brought to mind that I need to do some healing. Obviously I am human and this is part of the process. But I need to write about lies and 19 years of my life. I do not care to write about how I ended up in the situation. I just need to write out what effect it had on me so I can figure out how to move on in a healthy way.
At 28 years old, I had three children and one on the way. The father of the one I was pregnant with married me and we started our lives. The lie of my life with him had started. He worked with young children and I thought that meant he really was a good guy. Well, he was not a good guy. He never physically did anything to the children that were in the relationship but he left a scar that would never heal on all of us.
His lie was that he hid his porn addiction. I knew he had watched some porn when we met and dated. He wanted me to watch it with him. I was not interested. He said he would stop watching it. Well, he did not. He not only continued to watch it over the years and lie about it, he also would watch it in our living room and masterbate. Our children witnessed this from the beginning of the marriage. I was not aware that he was doing this in the public space of our living room and the kids were seeing him. I would not know until 19 years later that it was happening.
My children were exposed to this man, that they were supposed to respect and love. They were exposed to porn at a very young age. The were continually exposed to it and him masterbating. They had to be loud when coming in the house in the hopes that he would stop before they had to see him, most of the time, it would not stop him and they had to witness this. Over and over again, exposure over the years. I would come home and catch him occasionally about what he was doing and ask him if he was watching porn. Always a hard and fast no. Lie upon lie, year upon year.
Something else happened when this was going on as well. I was told by him that my sense of reality was not normal. I was called, “crazy.” I would confront him on things and he would deny what happened, even though it was black and white. He would not resolve any conflict with me. Looking back now, I can see that he just avoided confrontation completely. Blew me off and then pretended like the fight never happened. He wouldn’t fight, he would just stand there and look at me when I was really upset and then walk away. It was the silent treatment. Never a resolve, never a follow up conversation.
I thought that this was normal. I thought he was so smart because he had his bachelors degree and had gone to college. I put him right up on that pedestal and thought that I should be lucky to be with him as he took me on and my three children. I was so insecure that I settled for this less than a man that was my husband.
I lived in this hell cycle of abuse for so many years. But I think what broke me was when I was in the hospital for 3 days and he did not stay with me. I had major brain surgery and woke up in so much pain. I had to process my surgery and the staples and scars on my own. He pulled away from me. I woke up those nights in the hospital alone. He took advantage of me not being home to freely watch his porn and do whatever he wanted. Addictions will take over that way.
When I came home from hospital there was a shift. I could not count on him to help me. I lay in pain day after day and he knew he could help and decided not to. I learned that my marriage was not in sickness or in health. He wanted me to be the outgoing person I was and help him fit in society. Bring friends to him through my outgoing nature. Bring friends and people in our lives through my church. His addiction was more important, his image was more important. He would tell people how he was cooking and cleaning and doing all these things at home to be in the spotlight he needed to fill his self-esteem. He needed the kudos to function in his life. I was still so very confused. Here was this man that I loved leaving me in pain when his hands could have helped me. He was using those hands to help himself and his addiction. I could not compete.
Through a series of confrontations and serious talks with adult children, the word narcissist was now a part of my life. It all made sense. Gaslighting became something I would realize was my reality for the entirety of the marriage.
It was in December that I had this nightmare. In my nightmare this man was coming after me. No one I knew. He had a machete knife and was chasing me. I would wake myself up from the dream as he got closer to me. I would fall back asleep and there he was chasing me again. This cycle of waking up and then dreaming of his chasing me happened seven cycles. On the 7th wake up, the man was ready to kill me and looked at me and said, “Your husband sent me to kill you.” I was led to get up and see what the husband was doing. Well I walked in on him watching porn and masterbating in our living room. To say I was shocked would honestly be an understatement. I stood there in such disbelief. It was like all the lies came crashing down in a pile in front of me. He had not overcome his addiction. He was not just staying up late to let me get to sleep before him. He wasn’t the man I thought I was with. He was weak and a slave to his addiction. I would never look at him the same way again.
About a month later, I would ask him to move out. He did not want to but I insisted as I was not sleeping well knowing he was there. It would be a month or so later that I would find out from one of my adult children about their exposure to his porn and masterbation since the marriage began. It broke my heart. He lied to me about his addiction. He lied to me about our life. He had even told me months previous that I was the one that was living the lie of a life. I was never anyone but me. I was not the one exposing innocent children to porn and masterbation. I was not engaging in sexual abuse.
Let me make things clear about this. The actual porn was not the problem. The fact that he did not keep it to himself and exposed the children to it is the problem. The fact that he did not respect me or our kids enough to keep his dick in his pants and his mind away from porn was the problem. No child should have to tip toe in their home to avoid seeing a grown ass man masterbating in the living room of their home. No real man would expose their children to his childish behavior. He could have chosen to do it in private. But he didn’t care. His brain capacity could not function in that way.
When I found out about my kids being exposed, I was done with the marriage. I would soon find out more details about this man and knew I could not be with him anymore. I will spare the details of how sick in the head he really was. I felt tremendous guilt about not protecting my children. I would learn that the addiction carried over into one of my children. I would be told that I should have had sex with him more and that I should have done xyz and he would have stopped watching the porn. Nothing would have helped, this was a decision he had made and continued to make. It had nothing to do with me. His addiction was there before we met, and it will continue to be there now that I am gone. We all make choices in this life. He made this choice to cope with whatever he had to cope with. I can only speculate what he was trying to cover up with this addiction.
What I learned about myself. Well, I am still learning about myself. One thing that I have learned is that no one deserves to be on a pedastal. I was insecure when I met my exhusband. I had not done the work to heal my emotions when I met him. I had not learned what it meant to be comfortable in my own skin. I did not know how to function alone. I could pay my rent and provide for my children and I did that right, but it was all about survival. I was desperate. I dated the only man that really talked to me on a daily basis. I should have focused on my healing. The truth is, no person will make you feel okay with who you are. You have to feel okay with who you are, independant of anyone else. I am on that journey. I have been in a relationship since I was 18 years old. It is time for me to feel the feels about being who I am. It is time for me to learn what it is like to be gut wretching honest with myself about my life. I am not getting any younger and life sure is not slowing down.
As far as my exhusband, he did the best he knew how. What he does now with his life is not part of my concern or my time. I want him to be healed of the addiction just like I wanted my mom to be healed of hers. I did not make these choices for them.
I love hard, I love fierce, and I love loyal. I will not accept any less than in my life. I will get hurt, that is part of life. But I will learn and grow more from the depths of my soul through it all. It is my time of healing, letting go and moving forward. I will understand what healthy should look like. I will understand that I will not settle for lying and manipulation. My heart is so open to love but I need to love me enough first. I am the only one on this journey of life and I can work on only me. I can not be responsible for anyone else.
Quiet Intensity 