When I was just one month shy of being 18 years old, I found out that I was pregnant. Things began to change in my life. As I physically grew bigger carrying this child, I had some things to sort out. I had to sort out how I felt about this baby. What did it mean? How would I be a good mom? Who would help me? Did I need help?
I began to do some work on me. I knew I needed to read everything I could on parenting as I had no example in my own life. I could do that. I knew I needed to find a better place to live. One step at a time. I would need to have some sort of income, this would be easier now that I was turning 18 years old. No work permits needed. Lots of decisions. One decision I knew for certain was that I was keeping the baby. That was a non negotiable from the moment the test was positive.
A neighbor connected me to a place that referred me to a maternity home. A place where I could stay to get on my feet until after the baby was born. I would meet a family that would be the best example of the ups and downs of a normal family. I would learn how to shop for groceries and how to cook for myself. I would learn how to take care of my growing baby and my self. I would learn how to start my life with a new baby. My world seemed a little brighter.
Later that year, I became a mom. The labor was like nothing I had ever thought it would be. I had a friend in the room with me that would help me through it. I held this healthy baby boy in my arms and life seemed to have meaning. I had a future, I had no idea what my future would be, but it would include this little one I held in my arms. He was beautiful, the most beautiful little thing that I had ever seen and I could not have been more proud to be his mom.
I would be doing this mothering thing without the father. He left during the pregnancy and went on his own journey. He would later discover how amazing the little boy I carried would be but at this point, he was not involved.
I learned to seperate my feelings for my son from the feelings I had toward his dad during the pregnancy. It was not something I particularly liked or wanted to do. But I knew my future with his dad was over and that I would want to give the baby a chance at love from his mom without any hesitations or any other feelings. I also had to deal with my feelings for my own dad and his lack of presence in my life. He was still absent, it was over 10 years at this point. I missed him. I wanted him to meet this little one and hold him. It would be many years later until he would become present in our lives.
My son’s birth made me a mother. A role up until the test becoming positive, was something I never thought I would be. It forever changed me. It gave me a reason to live. It gave me a reason to live for someone else. It would not just be me ever again. Someone needed me and I needed to be there for them as well. Would it be hard, yes. Did I need him to change my life, also yes. The family I lived with helped me in actions and deeds more than I could have ever hoped for. They taught me what it means to love unconditionally and to love deep. They taught me how to resolve conflict in my life with people I care about as they showed me through their example with how they dealt with their own children. I will forever be grateful for them and their lives and significant impact they made on me and my future forever.
Quiet Intensity 