Once my parents seperated, I became an only child after about a year. I chose to live with my mother. I do not know my reasoning for choosing to live with my mom. I just made the best decision I could at the logic and understanding of an 8 year old. I would never fully understand that would happen because of that decision. But it was one I made and could not undo.
I enjoyed the short amount of time that I was able to see my dad after the seperation. I was grateful to spend time with him, but it was not the same. I would not understand or realize that after the age of 9 years old, I would not see him again until I was an adult and had my own children.
I digress. Living with my mother was a very lonely time. I also started a new school in fourth grade. A private school. I was used to my carefree days of public school and the freedom of being a child. This new school expected more from me. It was what my mother wanted. I thought it would be a new beginning and was excited about it. But I did not realize all the changes that would take place in my life after this one single change. It was a choice to live with my mom. That choice led to many of her choices, good and bad in regard to me.
A few years after the men in my life left, my mother and I moved out of the area where I learned how to ride a bike, climb trees, and be a child. We moved to a condo complex that had very limited children. And when I say limited children, I was the only one in my age group in probably the 100 unit complex. I soon learned how to babysit for the only other children who lived on my street. They were young. It was an experience. I also learned who the animal lovers were on my street as I have always been one who loved dogs in particular. I soon became the dog walker of the neighborhood.
Being alone, even in a small condo, is still being alone. It is not a 6 bedroom home with creepy sounds that scare the crap out of you. But still such a lonely place to be. I spent a lot of time in my room. I habit I still frequent when I need to feel safe. That room is where I began to write. Journals and diaries, some tear stained. All hidden so my mother would not find out what I was really thinking about life.
Looking back, I know this is where depression started to unfold in my young life. I missed the life that was normal to me with my brothers. Albeit, it was crazy, but it was mine. This new life, I wasn’t too sure of. It seemed like everyday brought its own boat full of issues. I started to learn about the importance of being quiet. I tiptoed around my mother. She became more and more unstable to me. I overwealmingly felt like she did not want me and on occasion she would tell me so. She started drinking more and was gone more. I cramped her style of being a single woman looking for a man to be in her life. I get it, I didn’t then. But I get it now.
Becoming an only child only took a few years to get used to. In reality, two of my brothers came back to the home I lived in with my mom because my dad had moved away. But the boys did not come back the same way that I remember them. They were almost men and their lives had changed. The relationships with them was not what they were and somehow I knew they would never be the same. Life does that to people. We grow through things that happen to us, good and bad ways we grow. Sometimes it grows into something that needs healing but most of the time I think that when life happens, we learn something. About ourselves, about others, about who we are. It is all a process.
Looking at the time from when I was about 9 years old until about 13 years old, it was a changing time. There were a lot of changes. My physical address changed, my schooling changed. My friends changed. My lifestyle changed. My dynamic in my core family changed. My parents changed. And even in writing all of that, it did not seem like a lot at the time. Interesting looking back and viewing things and remembering how you felt. I remember feeling sad. But I also started hanging on the fact that my school became my safe place. It was the place I enjoyed going to. I was learning and improving myself. What a great revelation to know that in the midst of what I could say was a really difficult time. I can look back and say that it made me who I am. It made me a lifetime learner. It makes me someone who appreciates the growth of a small plant. I was that plant, I was growing into who I am. Wow.
Quiet Intensity 