I was sitting in the chairs in front of the tv with at least my youngest brother at home. It was the middle of the day. My parents both stood behind me and said, “we need to talk to you.” I turned around to see them and blew it off to watch my tv show. My brother said, “Umm, this seems serious, turn around.” I sat there in that chair, as a young child listening to my parents say the word, “divorce, seperation, moving out.” My young mind could not understand what they were saying. I did not realize but in that moment on that day, these two people made a decision that would forever impact my life.
As I write about it now, that little girl remembers and is in tears. I watched as my mother spoke more words, I do not remember any of them, but I was very aware of her body language. She seemed mad, not at me, but at life. She expressed whatever it is that she said with meanness. My dad just stood there. I do not remember what he looked like as he couldn’t look at me. Their decision, thier lives. I had no idea what it meant or what would happen. I just knew things would change.
The year after that announcement is a blur. I went from being in a home with my family to being left alone a lot in a home that was meant for 6 members. My brothers all moved out and lived with my dad. I stayed with my mom. My mom changed, she was not that loving happy person I saw anymore. She was mean and short with me. I felt like she didn’t want me and it had all just begun.
I got to see my dad and my brothers for about a year. They moved into a 2 bedroom apartment not far from my dad’s work. The time I had with them, especially my dad, was great. I spent a lot of time at his apartment by myself on weekends. Afterall, he had rounds at the hospital and couldn’t be with me all the time. He had a small kitchen and a small apartment. Even at the age of 8, it felt small.
During the week I would return to the big house, that seemed so empty and lonely. My whole world changed in a blink of an eye. It went from being safe, to being unpredictable and feeling lost. The places I used to play or eat or dance in my home were just a memory. The home lost its life when they left. It became a reminder of what once was and would never be again with the people that were attached to me by blood. It was a very sad place to live. It was a very sad time for me.
My parents did the best they could. They tried the best they could. It was too much pressure for them. They didn’t know how to communicate or to discipline or to be the parents my brothers and I really needed. They stopped making time for each other and instead there was contempt for each other and a lot of resentment. These words I did not know about when I was 8 years old.
Looking back on it now, I can see what life really was. I was 8 years old. I was so little. I was not equipped to deal with any of the big emotions then. I just knew my whole world changed. I lost my dad and my brothers. I did not know who I was anymore. I did not know who I belonged to anymore. I questioned for the first time in my life if I was loved. I felt like a burden to my mother. And she made it clear that I was. So many things changed, in such a short amount of time. It was difficult.
For the first time in my life, I really felt alone. I hated feeling alone. I wanted my family back. I wanted my normal life back. No one seemed to understand what it did to me. So many many times alone, so young. I was just a baby. No one should ever feel this way. Choices were made by grown adults. Their best choices left me feeling so alone. Parents are not supposed to do this to thier children. I knew it was wrong but in my innocence, there was nothing I could do to change it. I felt powerless over what was happening around me. The world crumbled and felt scary. It would be the beginning of me growing up and facing life. They made the best decisions that they could with what they had in thier resources at the time. I can not fault my parents for doing the best they could with what they had.
I had to step into my new reality and face whatever would lie ahead. My parents, well I never saw them happy with each other again. I am grateful for the memories of being a family. I truly am. It showed me love when my foundations were being built. I saw two grown people try to do the best they could with what they knew. Both learning in their journey as well. In seeing so much at such a young age, it altered what may have been for me. But I will never know as life changed that day. It grew me in a direction that I didn’t imagine but would need to learn to accept. But not only accept, become better and stronger because of the experience. Become a better parent or friend or just a better human from the experience. Did it all hurt? Hell yes! But I was not in control of any of thier choices then or now. I am only in control of how I heal and grow through it all.
Quiet Intensity 