I want to move on from my past hurts. I am not really sure how to do that. I wish I could just flip a switch and it was gone. But all that pain, all that hurt, it made me who I am. I want someone to chase me, to want me, to give a shit about my feelings and not tell me to not think that way. My feelings, as crazy or insane as they are, are still my feelings. Still what I feel, right or wrong, tell me you understand, shit tell me you don’t understand, but do not tell me to not feel that way. Do not tell me how to feel. It is not okay. It is going back into the pattern of my past, being dismissed for feeling a certain way. It is so not okay.
To be loved, it is hard, I have tried so many times. I have been rejected by men, by my family, and by my own family. It is not okay. I will release them all. I can not force anyone to be in my life. I can not force it. I can not force me into anyone’s life. I can not do it. I do not have the mind capacity to do it anymore.
I expect to be loved, loved hard. I am worth it. I may be alone for awhile and have to deal with my own insecurities. I may never be ready. I may just never be ready. My time to be loved for who I am, may be over. I will accept that as well. All of this may be me talking from my lack of taking my anti-depressants, and honestly, it probably is. But it is how I feel right now. How I feel at this time, how I have felt for a few days. It is what it is.
Quiet Intensity 